deepundergroundpoetry.com
My.
my dreams are as clear as rain
my hopes are great
my eyes tell a story
my smile show i care
my arms are always open and
my heart is always there
my hopes are great
my eyes tell a story
my smile show i care
my arms are always open and
my heart is always there
Published 5th Jul 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 4
reads 1072
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Are "care" and "there" intentionally rhymed? In my opinion it would be better to take the rhyme out otherwise you run the risk of sounding like a greetings card IMHO.
I'd like to see you expand on your ideas a little more. YOUR traits you describe don't really set you aside from the billions of other people on this planet.
Using words like "great" are not really very descriptive. "My hopes are great", aren't everybody's (mostly)? "My hopes overrun containment" paints a more interesting picture. Not that I'm suggesting you use that exact phrase, but I use it merely for illustration. Give us something to feel, whatever it is you feel.
Normally I'd say kill the repetition of "my" but I think it can be forgiven here. Having said that you could make an argument for leaving it out, since your poem is entitled "My". I think it reads okay with each line beginning "my" though.
Hope this helps.
I'd like to see you expand on your ideas a little more. YOUR traits you describe don't really set you aside from the billions of other people on this planet.
Using words like "great" are not really very descriptive. "My hopes are great", aren't everybody's (mostly)? "My hopes overrun containment" paints a more interesting picture. Not that I'm suggesting you use that exact phrase, but I use it merely for illustration. Give us something to feel, whatever it is you feel.
Normally I'd say kill the repetition of "my" but I think it can be forgiven here. Having said that you could make an argument for leaving it out, since your poem is entitled "My". I think it reads okay with each line beginning "my" though.
Hope this helps.
5th Jul 2011 6:58pm
17th Dec 2012 3:59am
your eyes may tell lies listen to it and the devil will grow inside take your heart and tell the truth of the story
5th Apr 2013 5:43pm
