How To Smile (#CreepyPastaChallenge Entry)

        Hello there! You must be here to learn how to smile. That's fantastic! I can't blame you or anything, smiling's great. It expresses your inner happiness, it's downright contagious, and it makes you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside and all that happy horseshit. See? Even the horseshit's happy. Now, if you'll pardon me for just a moment, I've got a bit of fanfare to run through. Nothing serious, just your basic marketing and sales.
      Ahem, ahem, step right up, ladies and gentleman. Yes, you, with the thing! May I have your attention, please? Mhm, now then, you're probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today. We're here to witness the coming together of these two lovers in splendid matrimony and, uh, oh... let's see here... aha! Wrong spiel, my sincerest apologies! Ah, yes, here we are. Ahem. Are you happy? I mean really happy? Got a low-stress, sit-on-your-ass-all-day kinda job that banks you a smooth six-figure salary? Got a nice crib, hot spouse, and kids that actually take the damn trash out without being asked? Of course not! This is the 21st century we're talking about here! The economy's in the shitter, divorce rates are at an all-time high, and retirement's become a dirty word these days! As far as most of us are concerned, there's not a single damn thing to get our hopes up about. "But why is it that I still see people smiling then?" you may be asking yourself. Well, it's probably because Mr. Grinner paid them a visit! Yes, you heard it here first, folks, just spend one night with Mr. Grinner! All you have to do is follow this here quick and easy set of instructions, and you'll be smiling like a dung beetle in a shit storm, which is probably not far off from what your life's amounting to anyways! Don't wait, don't delay, call Mr. Grinner today!
      Ah, now that I've got that out of my system, allow me to elaborate: this is a step-by-step guide for summoning Mr. Grinner to your humble abode, or wherever you decide to perform the ritual. Mr. Grinner is... well, he's an entity of sorts. Not inherently good or bad, depending on how you wanna look at him. He's just happy! So happy, in fact, that he takes it upon himself to, uh, rid the world of all discontent by any means necessary... er, yes. Now, I don't want you to get the idea that he's running to and fro handing out puppies and free hugs to every tragic shmuck moping around on the streets. No, no, he prefers the organic approach, trying to get people to smile on their own accord. And if they don't, well, uh... oh, look at that! Time to be moving on to the warnings and what-ifs, shall we?
      In case it hasn't dawned on you at this point, this is a pretty fucking easy way to get yourself killed. But if you're willing to pull an all-nighter just one time, just one time, you'll end up head-over-heels, bat-shit happy for the rest of your life. Sounds like a pretty fair tradeoff, huh? Is your partner always up your ass about one thing or another, and you're not into that kinda thing? Maybe your boss gave that promotion you've been slaving over for years to his slutty secretary? I'm not exaggerating one bit here. You'll be tripping-balls ecstatic about everything: jury duty, IRS audits, colonoscopies, funerals, you name it. Won't phase you in the slightest. Obviously, problems have been known to arise as a result... some claim it's "disturbing" to walk around sporting a big, cheeky grin wherever you go. But to hell with them, I say! Don't let anything dampen your natural high! And if you decide to call Mr. Grinner, and subsequently survive the night, it can all be yours!
      Now then, let's get on to the good stuff. "How exactly does one conjure Mr. Grinner into their home?" Ha! Well, I'm very glad you asked. It's not quite as difficult as you might think. You will, however, need to procure a few items to keep yourself from, well, dying, to put it simply. A flashlight or any portable light source that doesn't require a wall outlet is a must. Don't skimp out either, I've seen some people try to make do with a phone or a lighter, and whew, man, talk about an eyesore! Who knew one's own innards could be used for a noose! That Mr. Grinner fella sure knows how to party, huh? You're gonna need some candles as well. Unscented candles are recommended, as some smells have a habit of lulling people to sleep. Use only a few though, enough to set the mood, just don't burn your house down, it would kinda defeat the purpose of going through the trouble of all this. Oh, and if you do fall asleep at any time during the ritual... well, look at it this way, you were already dead from being so dissatisfied with your life anyways, hmm? Lastly, you're gonna need a bathroom with a tub and a shower curtain to chill while the ritual's going on. Hotel rooms are perfect. They've got those tiny little bathrooms with all the nicely-folded towels and free soap products. And, god forbid something goes wrong, you won't be lowering the property value of the home you're in by going and having the walls splatter-painted with your bodily fluids. A little careful consideration never hurt anyone, right?
      Once you've gathered your little shopping cart of ritual items, go ahead and pick a day, any day you please. You should keep in mind, however, that you won't be sleeping at all that night, so weekends or vacation days are always a good choice. Next, you'll want to set up the bathroom an hour or two before midnight, just to make sure you're not rushing to get everything ready later on. What, were you expecting this whole thing to start at any other time? Lay out your candles on the sink counter, or anywhere that you won't accidentally knock them over while sitting in the tub. Check that your flashlight or whatever light source you'll be using is fully charged, you do not want to be left in the dark when, er... if something happens, that is. Have yourself a real nice meal before kicking this thing off, seeing as how it could very well be your last. Plus, getting caught wrist-deep in a bag of Cheetos when shit hits the fan is not an honorable way to go, trust me. Fill up the bathtub with room-temperature water. Hot water is great until it cools down, so do yourself a favor and get adjusted to it beforehand. Make damn sure that you'll be alone the entire night. If any other living creature, tall or small, is in that home with you... well, basically, don't be a prick, okay? Just because you've got a death wish doesn't mean everyone else automatically wants in on it too. Oh, and, listen to some music, watch a little tv, make yourself a cup of coffee - relax. You're in for a long night.
      When there's only a few minutes left until the old witching hour, go into the bathroom and light all the candles. Triple check that your light works - seriously, being splayed open doesn't feel like unicorn kisses, make sure it's good and ready to go. Turn off all the lights in the house, otherwise he's not going to show up. You know the deal. Stretch, do some jumping jacks, or whatever it is you need to do to get in the right state of mind. Please remember that you'll be sitting in luke-warm water for, like, seven hours, so enjoy it while you can. Once midnight has come, and not a minute more or less, stand in the doorway of the bathroom. Look out into the darkness and say, "Mr. Grinner, I'm sad" loud and clear. You don't need to say it more than once, he's not the type to exceed the limited amount of ritualistic clichés. Then, take a step back, shut the door and lock it - not that it matters, but I understand there's a certain degree of added comfort that comes with it - and sit down in the tub. The game has begun.
      Initially, you may not notice much of anything going on. You might even begin to question if you did everything correctly as instructed. The most you might hear is the low rumble of cars rolling by in the distance, but just sit tight. I can assure you, Mr. Grinner has now certainly found his way into the building and is more than likely standing right outside the door, watching the little shadows from the candlelight dancing over his feet. Whatever you do, do not look away from the door, not even for a second. Have your light ready in one hand and a firm grasp on the shower curtain with the other. There is no set time for when anything will happen next. It might take him only minutes, or several hours, but at some point during the night, all of the candles will suddenly go out. Immediately pull the shower curtain in front of you and turn your light on. Use this time to take a few deeps breaths, then pull the shower curtain back with the light pointed at the ceiling. Mr. Grinner has just found his way inside the bathroom long enough to extinguish the candles. The door will be wide open. Don't shine your light through the doorway, or he will not appear until the light is moved. Now, you must wait.
      This is another point that may take anywhere from a matter of seconds to an hour or two, but if you've followed my instructions up to this point, Mr. Grinner will eventually show himself to you. In fact, the reason you're sitting in a tub of gross, tepid water is because it will act as an indicator for his appearance. When it is time, the water will grow noticeably colder within moments. Then, you will see two ghastly eyes slowly emerge from one side of the doorframe, followed by an immense, toothy smile. As soon as you see his eyes, you must smile, teeth showing, and maintain eye contact with him. If you don't, he'll perceive you as discontent, and... well, adiós, muchacho.  Do not stop smiling or looking into his eyes. Once he has shown himself, he will not leave until morning. During that time, he will test you in any way that he sees fit. You may hear sudden, scratching sounds in the walls, catch the voices of people you care about coming from somewhere in your home, or feel the water turning nearly to ice around you. If you're truly hellbent on becoming the happy-go-luckiest asshole on the face of the Earth, you certainly wouldn't let any of these silly distractions get to you, now would you? Also, if someone were to enter the house, they're basically as good as dead to you now, so no use in getting worked up about it. That's what I call some damn fine home security!
      Now, this is easily the worst part of the game: sitting in ice-cold bath water trying to hold a huge grin while both sleep-deprived and having to stare into a set of bright, bulbous eyes. You may soon feel yourself falling asleep, or your cheeks hurting, or you just can't stand looking at his face for another goddamn second. This, my friends, is where you have a choice to make. You can either tough it out until the sun comes up, or you can call it quits. No strings attached, you'll walk away with all your internal organs still internal, and you can go about your life as it was before. All you have to do is pull the shower curtain back in front of you and say aloud, "Mr. Grinner, I'm smiling." This will end the game early. When you draw the curtain back again, he will be gone from the doorway. At this point, you must get out of the bath and shut the door with a smile still on your face. You can relight the candles, if you would like, but do not leave the bathroom until you're sure it's morning, and do not fall asleep... just to be on the safe side. Mr. Grinner will still be in your house, as the ritual prevents him from leaving until sunrise, but he will be under the impression that he has done his job and that you are no longer a "threat". Once you're certain that it's morning, you may snuff out the candles and exit the bathroom, free to continue your unhappy existence. Thinking about trying for Round Two? Don't. He may be one delighted son of a bitch, but he's not stupid. As soon as he sees your face again, he'll know that your smile last time wasn't sincere, and he'll make sure to put extra effort into redecorating the bathroom with your entrails.
      But, assuming you do make it to sunrise... congratulations, you elated bastard, you! Once the natural light from outside begins to fill your house again, Mr. Grinner will slowly shrink back behind the wall, and you can get up, dry off, and take your first steps in life as a fully-recovered sad-aholic! What's that? You don't feel any different, you say? But that's impossible. Why are you smiling then? Didn't your mommy teach you that if you held your face one way for long enough, it would get stuck that way?