Pieces

I'm in pieces I realize now
I pretend I'm happy when I'm feeling down
I didn't get it then but I get it now
I feel like I'm scattered everywhere and I don't know how

How do I put back together this puzzle
I'm in a million pieces among the debris and rubble

Was I ever whole was I ever sane
I want to feel normal but I'm hiding the pain
What do I call this feeling I'm feeling

I just feel nothing, non existent
Numb to everything, but I want to be different
Everything everyone expects, but there's no one to listen
Or maybe there is, but I just can't speak
Because every time I try my knees get weak

A lump in my throat my eyes start to quiver
My hands get sweaty, I want to be bigger
I want to be strong, as I fight back the tears

I open my mouth, I choke again
I just can't let out what I hold within
All my secrets and pain and sin

If I was to tell you what do I do
I'd be vulnerable you'll have all my truths
What will you do with them
You can't help
Because in this battle it's against myself

I want to love and I want to be loved
But I only find relief when I'm with these drugs
Or when I'm in pain
It feels so good

I hurt myself when it gets to much
The pain I cause it feels more like love
I'll never expect you to know how it feels
With the steel against my skin I feel so real

It numbs my pain and soothes my heart
Takes me away from feeling so scarred
I tried to stop but I only relapse
The pain I crave I keep coming back