my thoughts

It's not bad enough that I feel alone and that I have no one to talk to about anything, I've got to sit here with the facts of my life like I don't have any of my kids with me the way I want them to be. I can barely talk to any of em. I've played major roles in the deterioration of all my relationships I've ever had. Including the one I'm in now. I can't be happy. I don't deserve it. I've made everyone else unhappy. I don't know what I want or what to think or feel. I know I want something more, something that I can't get as far as communicating, sex, and openness. I want to be able to talk openly to someone. Pour my entire soul out to and have them just listen and not get a attitude or hurt feelings or be judgmental. I can't get that in a relationship I understand that but I should be able to get atleast one of those. I have always wanted to much sexual contact than most and have had the tendency to stray from the ones I was with and loved just to get it which ain't right even a little bit. Positive attention from a female is my addiction. With the relationship I'm in now I don't get it even half as much as I want it and nothing new is ever tried. Yet I still haven't reverted to my old ways. I want to be able to be so open with someone that they know what my true feelings are even before I can figure them out myself. I want to be able to just open my mouth and let my heart speak without hesitation or leeryness that Ima say something that'll hurt upset or anger them. I love Cathy and I know i am in love with her but I also know I shouldn't hurt as much as I do and I shouldn't have the thoughts and feelings for others that I do. I feel so miserable about everything, everything I've done, everyone I've hurt and done wrong and let down. I don't understand how anyone could be with me or even love me. And do they? My so called friends don't wanna talk with me. They don't wanna know how I feel. My girlfriend can't/won't talk with me. She takes it way outta proportion and makes me feel like shit cuz I'm hurting and upsetting her by making her feel like everything she does is wrong and that I'm never happy, when all I'm trying to do is explain how I feel and the way I see things. Why is it that what upsets me and bothers me gets me the reaction and feeling from others that I'm wrong and shouldn't feel that way. Yet their feelings are always more important and justified and they have the right to feel the way they do. Why do I gotta be so strong alone? Why do I gotta be the strength for everybody else when I don't have the strength for myself? When no one even tries to be the strength for me when I make it vocal that I have fallen and I'm dragging myself alone through mud and thorns and quicksand. I'm drowning on dry land in the flooded oceans of emotions that have swept me away and left me stranded deserted slowly sinking deeper into despair. I reach out grasping for the people I see closest to me only to find a mirage of what I thought was there, or what I wanted to be there but never was. I scream for help into the abyss only to hear loneliness whisper back "I'm here". I wander through the dark running into every obstacle there is looking for something to brighten things up or to lead me outta the darkness. What can I do? Where can I turn to for that matter? Who can I turn to? Who would listen? Who even cares? Why can't anyone even act like they'll listen? I'm to scared to try and open up to anyone else for fear of hurting and fighting with Cat, not to mention that false sense of feeling I know I'll get. I know I love Cathy and I don't want to lose her. I don't want anyone else. I couldn't be with anyone else. I'm to damaged and come with to much baggage. Why can't I control my feelings? Why can't I just be happy? I don't wanna be content. I don't wanna settle for convenience. What can I do? I feel stuck. I feel lost. I feel alone. I can't do anything. I can't help anyone or make anybody happy. I try and get dismissed and turned away and covered in nastiness. I'm everyone's verbal punching bag when they're upset and having a bad day and I'm just supposed to be ok. I'm not supposed to have feelings. I'm not supposed to be human and get hurt and upset and bothered by anything.