deepundergroundpoetry.com
But i just can't say no
friends you say,
it is all that we can be, nothing more
and it hurts me to my core but i learnt to love you....like a brother.
silent as the night i lay next to you, so close an yet so far,
mid dream, i feel ur lips gently caress my neck, move down my back and kiss my ass..
i must still be dreaming...
turning me over, i open my eyes, and i can see u clearly, i feel u-its no dream,
passin your tongue on my clit a moment of ectasy, i feel ur tongue inside me,
im dripping wet, and u get on top of me, look me in the eyes and say "if u say no, i won't"
heart racing, or is it my pussy suddenly developing a pulse...
a pulse so loud it rings my ears n stops my brain just 4 a moment, making me incapable of speech..
i nod my head in appoval-snd u promise you'll b gentle.
you say "i know its ur 1st time, if it hurts tell me"
i feel a cock inside me 4 the 1st time and the pain is incomparable bt i cant ask you to stop..
i've never felt this good..
you bite my nipples, i bite my lips... you thrust into me, i dig my nails into your flesh...
my moans and screams clear as day... and wen its over i cant speak..
my mind is racing but my body weak...
you kiss me, romantically and i close my eyes...
just what i've wanted... YOU!
oh how good it feels to have you as mine, goes the thoughts in my naive mind.
as your phone rings you ask for silence as you tell your wife you love her too..
i swear i won't let this happen again, i promise myself, i won't be 'that girl'
but you kiss me and i just can't say no....
it is all that we can be, nothing more
and it hurts me to my core but i learnt to love you....like a brother.
silent as the night i lay next to you, so close an yet so far,
mid dream, i feel ur lips gently caress my neck, move down my back and kiss my ass..
i must still be dreaming...
turning me over, i open my eyes, and i can see u clearly, i feel u-its no dream,
passin your tongue on my clit a moment of ectasy, i feel ur tongue inside me,
im dripping wet, and u get on top of me, look me in the eyes and say "if u say no, i won't"
heart racing, or is it my pussy suddenly developing a pulse...
a pulse so loud it rings my ears n stops my brain just 4 a moment, making me incapable of speech..
i nod my head in appoval-snd u promise you'll b gentle.
you say "i know its ur 1st time, if it hurts tell me"
i feel a cock inside me 4 the 1st time and the pain is incomparable bt i cant ask you to stop..
i've never felt this good..
you bite my nipples, i bite my lips... you thrust into me, i dig my nails into your flesh...
my moans and screams clear as day... and wen its over i cant speak..
my mind is racing but my body weak...
you kiss me, romantically and i close my eyes...
just what i've wanted... YOU!
oh how good it feels to have you as mine, goes the thoughts in my naive mind.
as your phone rings you ask for silence as you tell your wife you love her too..
i swear i won't let this happen again, i promise myself, i won't be 'that girl'
but you kiss me and i just can't say no....
Published 23rd Jun 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
23rd Jun 2011 6:11am
I loved it! the whole begining i was wondering "Step siblings? co-workers?" and then the phone call that ties it all together! i loved it, completely!
23rd Jun 2011 6:15am
25th Jun 2011 6:06pm
Nice work. I agree with Hippie about the twist at the end...it makes a good poem.
Yes, it is sometimes easy to write about true stories. Keep writing!
Yes, it is sometimes easy to write about true stories. Keep writing!
1st Jul 2011 4:52pm
1st Jul 2011 5:14pm
Is this about a school-girl banging her teacher? Because that's the only reason I could see you using U's and 4's and B'sm and Ur's. Otherwise it's pretty distracting, and not in a good way. Even then it should only be used in direct speech, and I'm assuming the man certainly wouldn't use it.
If this is a story of young love (lust) then wouldn't the girl love the man more like a father than a brother? I would assume he's a lot older not just a few years.
The other thing that sticks out in the poem is your use of the phrase "kiss my ass". It just comes across all wrong to my mind. Either think of a better (more sensual) word/phrase for "ass" or leave it out. It totally kills the mood.
My final pet peeve would be the dot dot dot's (ellipses) all over the place, but from a lot of the poetry I've seen on this site, I guess that's my problem...
Your saving grace for this poem is that you have an actual story, and you save the "big reveal" for the end. That held my interest and made me glad that I continued reading it all the way through. Otherwise, I would have felt cheated after reading this. Not bad, some positives to take away from the poem.
If this is a story of young love (lust) then wouldn't the girl love the man more like a father than a brother? I would assume he's a lot older not just a few years.
The other thing that sticks out in the poem is your use of the phrase "kiss my ass". It just comes across all wrong to my mind. Either think of a better (more sensual) word/phrase for "ass" or leave it out. It totally kills the mood.
My final pet peeve would be the dot dot dot's (ellipses) all over the place, but from a lot of the poetry I've seen on this site, I guess that's my problem...
Your saving grace for this poem is that you have an actual story, and you save the "big reveal" for the end. That held my interest and made me glad that I continued reading it all the way through. Otherwise, I would have felt cheated after reading this. Not bad, some positives to take away from the poem.
7th Jul 2011 3:23pm
i appreciate your comments. my poem however was about a grown woman losing her virginity to man that she loved as a brother due to the time they spent together-it was the type of relationship they had.
the kiss my ass thing-i agree with you on that,
as for your pet peeve, like you said its YOUR pet peeve..
but thanks.... :)
the kiss my ass thing-i agree with you on that,
as for your pet peeve, like you said its YOUR pet peeve..
but thanks.... :)
7th Jul 2011 4:02pm
I highlighted it as MY pet peeve because I'm not a grammar expert, and I'm not professor in English, but I believe that more often than not they are used excessively and incorrectly. However, you're not alone in your use of them on this site.
As an extension to my comments, based on what you've explained, then I would add that I'd like your poem to explain that brotherly love more. I'd like the poem to help me understand it. It sounds like a very special relationship, and one that merits a thorough description, as is as humanly possible to do in words.
Anyway, you asked for honest feedback and critique, you got it. :) I hope some of my comments were helpful at least, and as with any comments I make on any poems here, feel free to disregard what you feel is irrelevant or un-useful.
Good luck with your writings.
As an extension to my comments, based on what you've explained, then I would add that I'd like your poem to explain that brotherly love more. I'd like the poem to help me understand it. It sounds like a very special relationship, and one that merits a thorough description, as is as humanly possible to do in words.
Anyway, you asked for honest feedback and critique, you got it. :) I hope some of my comments were helpful at least, and as with any comments I make on any poems here, feel free to disregard what you feel is irrelevant or un-useful.
Good luck with your writings.
