deepundergroundpoetry.com
And so it begins
and so it begins
I walk out into the
starless nite, sensing
the chill in the air giving
thanks to my father for
my long black hair that
covers me like the night
covers the forrests, my
senses start to flare, my
dark red eyes stare into
the abyss of this world looking
and recording the terrain
my snout taking in every
sweet smell in the air,my
ears pick up the faint distant
sound of sheep laughing and
living thier meaningless lives
but not for much longer as I
start to walk my way into the
vortex of light and sound that
surrounds them
they have no idea
what is coming to
visit them and end
thier pathetic time
on this earth and bring
order to things once again
for my father
I walk out into the
starless nite, sensing
the chill in the air giving
thanks to my father for
my long black hair that
covers me like the night
covers the forrests, my
senses start to flare, my
dark red eyes stare into
the abyss of this world looking
and recording the terrain
my snout taking in every
sweet smell in the air,my
ears pick up the faint distant
sound of sheep laughing and
living thier meaningless lives
but not for much longer as I
start to walk my way into the
vortex of light and sound that
surrounds them
they have no idea
what is coming to
visit them and end
thier pathetic time
on this earth and bring
order to things once again
for my father
Published 16th Nov 2015
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
16th Nov 2015 10:33pm
Wow great setting created...lovrd the flow of this piece...i enjoyed reading...welcome to DU
This is a really good poem, well done.
critique:
"thanks to my father for
my long black hair that
covers me like the night"
I always give this critique. You can thank my English Composition Professor. The word 'that' is very overused and usually not necessary. It just muddles your words for me.
"thanks to my father for
my long black hair it
covers me like the night"
I've changed it to 'it'. and it feels so much better, to me anyway. However, whenever you feel compelled to use the word 'that' step back and remove the word completely without even trying to replace it and you'll start noticing it almost always isn't needed at all.
Enjoyed...
critique:
"thanks to my father for
my long black hair that
covers me like the night"
I always give this critique. You can thank my English Composition Professor. The word 'that' is very overused and usually not necessary. It just muddles your words for me.
"thanks to my father for
my long black hair it
covers me like the night"
I've changed it to 'it'. and it feels so much better, to me anyway. However, whenever you feel compelled to use the word 'that' step back and remove the word completely without even trying to replace it and you'll start noticing it almost always isn't needed at all.
Enjoyed...
17th Nov 2015 10:37pm
thank you for the critique, I have never had formal training and schooling for my writing, and I dont usually look at them for very long except to check the grammar for obvious errors. My work tends to be very liquid in the delivery by that I mean it took me all of 3min to write this piece and probably the same for the other one as well
again thank you and I will try to stop using the word "that"
again thank you and I will try to stop using the word "that"
