deepundergroundpoetry.com
All It Took Was One
You’re lonely on a cold winter night,
Desperate to fill the black-hole in your chest.
You pace around your room for hours before finally opening the liquor cabinet.
“One drink can’t hurt,” you think, pouring a glass of vodka.
You quickly down it, loving the burn you feel in your throat.
“I can have another, just to take the edge off,” you mumble.
One more turned to two and two turned to three until you were so plastered that you couldn't even think straight.
This soon became a nightly ordeal, you couldn’t function without it.
It fueled the fire that had been festering in you ever since the day daddy left.
You drank to forget him.
You drank to forget your report card that semester.
You drank to forget yourself.
But shortly after, alcohol wasn’t enough.
There was this feeling in the pit of your stomach that you had to set free.
You go to a club, with the intent to drink until you’re swimming in your own vomit.
Instead you find something better than alcohol.
More dangerous, more mysterious, more inviting.
The next morning you’re naked on a bed with some girl you met that night,
A bruise formed in the crook of your elbow.
Heroin was your heroine.
Desperate to fill the black-hole in your chest.
You pace around your room for hours before finally opening the liquor cabinet.
“One drink can’t hurt,” you think, pouring a glass of vodka.
You quickly down it, loving the burn you feel in your throat.
“I can have another, just to take the edge off,” you mumble.
One more turned to two and two turned to three until you were so plastered that you couldn't even think straight.
This soon became a nightly ordeal, you couldn’t function without it.
It fueled the fire that had been festering in you ever since the day daddy left.
You drank to forget him.
You drank to forget your report card that semester.
You drank to forget yourself.
But shortly after, alcohol wasn’t enough.
There was this feeling in the pit of your stomach that you had to set free.
You go to a club, with the intent to drink until you’re swimming in your own vomit.
Instead you find something better than alcohol.
More dangerous, more mysterious, more inviting.
The next morning you’re naked on a bed with some girl you met that night,
A bruise formed in the crook of your elbow.
Heroin was your heroine.
Published 11th Nov 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Oi
I quite like this, it's back smacking the cold truth at your reader, and well that's just lovely.
Now the honest critique...
I feel that while the subject matter and basic story is awesome and while you wear your heart in your words... You need to look into three things...
Firstly: trying to say the same thing with a slightly lower word count...
Secondly: In getting into the story telling, don't forget the imagery "paint a picture in the mind of the reader".
Finally: try create an antagonist rather than opting for the "you" thing, many of your readers won't be Vodka drinkers, thinking why are you blaming me?
For example...
You said...
"You’re lonely on a cold winter night,
Desperate to fill the black-hole in your chest.
You pace around your room for hours before finally opening the liquor cabinet.
“One drink can’t hurt,” you think, pouring a glass of vodka.
You quickly down it, loving the burn you feel in your throat.
or..
I wrote it like this...
One lonely winter night,
pacing the room, aimlessly
desperate
to fill dark chest cavities
Unlocking the old Oak-mirrored
corner cabinet
“One drink can’t hurt,”
heard the sound of liquid hitting glass
whirl-pooling clear vodka
Hit it back
hard
awaiting
beloved throat burn.
Please note this is all just honest opinion, which will hopefully make you challenge yourself and write more and more stellar poetry for us to read, and in no way a knock at this piece or your writing, which I enjoy.
Al [.]
I quite like this, it's back smacking the cold truth at your reader, and well that's just lovely.
Now the honest critique...
I feel that while the subject matter and basic story is awesome and while you wear your heart in your words... You need to look into three things...
Firstly: trying to say the same thing with a slightly lower word count...
Secondly: In getting into the story telling, don't forget the imagery "paint a picture in the mind of the reader".
Finally: try create an antagonist rather than opting for the "you" thing, many of your readers won't be Vodka drinkers, thinking why are you blaming me?
For example...
You said...
"You’re lonely on a cold winter night,
Desperate to fill the black-hole in your chest.
You pace around your room for hours before finally opening the liquor cabinet.
“One drink can’t hurt,” you think, pouring a glass of vodka.
You quickly down it, loving the burn you feel in your throat.
or..
I wrote it like this...
One lonely winter night,
pacing the room, aimlessly
desperate
to fill dark chest cavities
Unlocking the old Oak-mirrored
corner cabinet
“One drink can’t hurt,”
heard the sound of liquid hitting glass
whirl-pooling clear vodka
Hit it back
hard
awaiting
beloved throat burn.
Please note this is all just honest opinion, which will hopefully make you challenge yourself and write more and more stellar poetry for us to read, and in no way a knock at this piece or your writing, which I enjoy.
Al [.]
11th Nov 2015 2:25pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely critique. This is only the second piece I've ever written, however. I've never taken a poetry class or anything of the sort, so my goal on here was to receive some honest feedback on my work, which you have generously provided.
Also, I feel like I need to be more proper, so, thanks again? I'm not too sure how to end this.
-Avery
Also, I feel like I need to be more proper, so, thanks again? I'm not too sure how to end this.
-Avery
Your ending is good! Nothing wrong, Heroine works...
Thanks for writing stuff we want to talk about! That helps tremendously!
Awesome!
Thanks for writing stuff we want to talk about! That helps tremendously!
Awesome!
15th Nov 2015 6:52am
16th Nov 2015 1:59am
20th Nov 2015 4:55am
I haven't ever said that before?... You disconnected on me because I was making fun of my wrong nationality
11th Nov 2015 3:08pm
11th Nov 2015 4:24pm
12th Nov 2015 00:09am
12th Nov 2015 4:03pm
Oh wow i liked this piece...reliving a drunking night to escape from the present burdens of life....very real...nice
