4:47 A.M 12th Of June 2015, 3 and a ½ Hours Away!

                
       For many years now, You and I normally started our day, like most mornings, Drinking about a pot, enjoying our morning coffee, while talking over the phone. We would share our thoughts, memories, fears, hopes and dreams of yesterdays, now’s and tomorrows.  That we longed to always remember, wished and prayed to forget while we dared hoping to dream. Knowing that our time as sisters here on mother earth was soon coming to an end.....
       Before we truly allowed our selves even the chance to overcome our regrets, nightmares and mistakes of what could have been. So much a like, in the life we have lived. Relying on one another as we counsel each other, through some of the darkest moments of our lives. We, even listened to ourselves continuously argue, dredging up our own, or one another’s past. Neither of us, were ever any good at letting go not only of our past that we allowed to haunt us....
       As well with such an over whelming guilt of not being mentally strong minded. So we could allow ourselves to strive to be and to do better throughout our lives. Some was due to such, that we dared not to utter to another living soul. Always telling each other, it’s for the best. That most of our family and friends are better off not knowing. That we have burdened and shamed them enough. Besides the hurt we all would have felt, knowing it would only keep them from ever truly understanding that our minds were not well at all back then........
        Yet at times You and I both, found ourselves blaming friends and family. Even if it was as simply of not seeing nor understanding how our past could and did consume us. Crippled our minds with mental illness. Labeled bipolar, skits, with manic depression. I even told PTSD is just another that causes me to close myself off from the world, family and friends.... Daily we fought our highs and lows, ups and downs.  Deep mental scars, times worrying they were as easily noticed and seen by all. But much instead of facing we buried even from ourselves......
      You made it so easy for me to talk of my thoughts and feelings. How You listened when I cried saying that I turned out to be no better than our mother. Swearing that I failed my own child. You saying, Sis… You haven’t done as bad as I. Your daughter has forgiven you, yet refusing to forgive yourself. Telling me that, We give into our own guilt, But I allow my daughter to use, taking me for granted. A good mother not without flaws, that simply chose some bad choices causing mistakes to be made....
      You weren’t perfect, but far from being a failure as a mother. Done much better than I, Sis. Many times re-assuring one another that we were and are still a good person. Listening to how You doubted Steve’s love for You. Yet I envied what You both had together. Knowing that You and I aren’t always the easiest to get along with. He had to have loved You. If You were only extra income, He could have found that with another.........
       Your drinking didn’t always allow others to enjoy being around You. Though, Steve always ended up wanting You to stay, when he could have had You to go. Being alone isn’t easy. Still fearing that I will always be. Afraid of living, exposing my heart to another. Scared that it would only be abused and left alone broken again.  You always telling me not to give up. And be kinder to myself. Lay my faith and heavy heart as a mother in God’s hands....
       Start living and enjoying life again. Sis, we always agreed that we have wasted so much of our lives. Not allowing ourselves to be happy. How You would listen to me write, losing count of all the times helping me to become more creative using my words. Loved hearing You blush as I would reed one of my stories or poems of love and seduction between a Male and female. Asking how do I come up with such. Only to say, at one time I actually thought I had it....
       Yet it was without being in love. Is how I can write about such. Always expressing if ever find such again. Will make sure that true love is what I have found. The last year or so, You and I have fought some very nasty rough colds. Knowing that our smoking didn’t help matters none. Kept trying to encourage each other to cut back, hopefully to quit completely one day. Hearing You talk more of being tired, missing our momma’s and Daddy.....
       Telling me, You know that You don’t have much time left. Only to ask You not to talk of such, that I couldn’t bare to lose You. Saying that You had to promise not to just give up. You told me, Sissy I am so  scared. But not of where I am going, Yet I fear how dying is going to feel. You said. Not wanting to die, in a cold hospital, nor alone and in pain. But at home, where I’m comfortable, with Steve and my cats. Not able to see myself living without You, I Kept saying Sis, hush now.....
        We have time to talk of all this. You asking me to come up for awhile, I yet again to only say not to watch You die. Sissy, please just go back to the hospital, fight this. I am not ready to let You go. Already we were, struck with the recent death of Uncle Ken and a little shy of being a year since losing mom Barb, that raised me from the age of 4. Pleading with You to not leave me as well. I began to notice that You became so easily tired....
       Not able to talk on phone that long anymore. Oh my God,... Patty, how I wanted so much to come up, fearing that I would have been coming up only just to watch You die. Thinking, no  I just wouldn't been able to handle such pain. Wrapped in such grief that already had taken ahold of me, not only of the loss in the past year. As well my heart bout broken due to what all I been dealing with of my daughter. Missed getting to talk with You one day........
        Called later to only be told that Your were sleeping. Saying in return not to wake You, I will talk with her tomorrow. Just to awake the next day, waiting for Your call. Wondering if Your just still too tired is reason why I haven’t yet heard from You. Missed enjoying, having our morning coffee together.  Instead  bubby Frank calls asking me if it was really true that we lost You that very morning. Not even a second after hanging up I called praying, hoping so very much that it would have been You picking up that  phone...........
       Only to hear Steve, saying I’m so very sorry but she died early this morning.  Said He didn’t wake up soon enough to help You. I was too late. Later explaining to me, earlier that morning You woke up for a drink of water saying You may sit up awhile . Telling him that You were okay, I’ll let You sleep a little bit longer. You told Him,  He broke down crying, I would have never went back to sleep if I thought I was going to lose her today....
      Sobbing, just to Wake later finding her not breathing. Tried to resuscitate, yet she was already gone. I was too late. I am so sorry, He cried. Not even a month since our loss of Uncle Ken, less than a year three deaths that ripped, tearing through our hearts. I found it so hard to breathe, couldn’t think of anything else but wanting to hear Michael Ray’s voice. Knowing that His world felt as if it was crumbling around Him. Feeling the same as I.....
     To hear Him trying so hard not to sob, crying. Asking me if I am going to be alright. Thinking, how proud Daddy must be of Him. Knowing His heart was breaking just as much as mine. Realizing much was about to fall heavy upon His shoulders. I know You’ve been watching, seeing our Brother, heart broken, only to be seen standing ever so strong in one of His finest, honorable, yet hardest moments in His life. Making and taking care of the final arrangements, with only having such a short time frame to have done all that was needed.....
     Sadly. Later to find out He, had to take care of more than what He should've ever had too. Just so We could lay You to rest just on the other side of momma Barb and Daddy. It was so very hard to have to say our goodbyes, we so wasn’t ready to let You go. Think what made it so hard, not knowing if You accepted God so that You could join our other love ones that were waiting in our heavenly home. Seeing Becky that just lost Uncle Ken, knowing that her and I are the only sisters that remains. Your daughters no longer able to hear Your voice....
      Remembering how lost I felt when losing our parents. Promise they will know that their loved. Grand babies will grow up, their momma’s telling them how much their grandma loved them. With 3 to 4 flowers each taken from a sad day, walking away knowing no longer was You going to call and talk with me for hours. That never again will I have You being there to help pull me up out of my own darkness. Looking back, crying feeling such an ache in my heart.....
      Thinking, I will lay resting with You soon Sis. Looking down at my damn cell phone, still not even a “Love you momma, just checking to see how you are holding up”. Needing so much to hear my own daughter’s voice.” Such a comfort that would have given me, Feeling Becky come up entwining her arm with mine. Saying I love You Sissy. Your my only sister now. Needing to spend time with Aunt Pat and Becky, Deciding I would stay a day or two....
      Trying not to allow myself to wander too much within my thoughts. Fearing that much would be seen, yet rarely is ever understood. Feeling as if I some how stepped out of myself. Not sure how much longer I was going to be able to go without falling apart. Listening to Pat and Becky talk of us kids while we were growing up. some of a touch here and there rejoicing remembering all the memories. Yet being consumed within my own grief.........
       Thinking in the morning going to be so very hard saying goodbye to Michael. Reminding myself, Jackie, most likely with the same thoughts knowing He was going to have to say His goodbyes even earlier that morning. Still checking my phone. Only to receive a text asking when I was going to be home. Needing me to watch Kenai, that she is starting her new job. Feeling my heart break a bit more, be home as soon as I can, telling her that my grief has swallowed me whole.,,,.
       Mom I’m so sorry, but let me know as soon as you are back home so we, can drop Kenai off. I red as I turned off my phone. Day or two later finally back home, trying to hide my tears from my Grandson. Hearing Him ask, grandma why you so sad. Not wishing to upset Him, saying grandma’s fine just thought of something that made me cry. Phone rings, Michael Ray calling to see how I am doing.. Didn’t notice that Kenai was so close that He, over heard me say still can’t  believe she's gone......
      Telling my brother, I didn’t just lose my sister, I lost my best friend. Looking back seeing that my grand baby was shaking his head crying. He walked over and picked up a red model car that Aunt Patty and Uncle Steve sent him. Trying so hard to dry my tears, saying I love You Bubby, as I hung up the phone. Kenai hugs me tight, I am  so, so sorry grandma, I know why you cry. But aunt Patty is an angel now. Just how mommy says same as my grandma Glover.....
     She will always be watching over you grandma. In that moment I seen and felt such a comfort. That in the eyes of one so young would seek to ease my heart and dry my tears. I had to nudge myself through the next few days of having Him with me. Only to fall completely apart once I was alone. Reality set back, in that I would never talk and hear Your voice when having a bad, or an exciting day. No longer will You listen as I write. Got to the point I didn’t eat for days....
       What little sleep I had, stained my pillow with tears of missing You. Asking why You leave me. Why couldn’t You just wanted to fight to stay with us a little while longer. My faith already broken and weak.  Not sure if would ever see You again. For awhile kept waking up dreaming that it was around 4:47 A.M 12th Of June 2015, 3 and a ½ Hours Away, give or take. Only by phone....
       Yet felt as if I was holding You, While hearing You struggling to breathe. So many tears I began to shed, as I was begging You to stay, Never will I forget hearing You say even in my dreams. Little Sis, I see both our mommas and Daddy, Bubba Wayne, loving and wise Uncle Ken. They waving to me, welcoming me home with them. Don’t cry nor grieve too much of me. Sis, I promise we’ll see each other again, I’ll be here in Your heart so that You’ll never be alone.....
     And one day we’ll walk hand to hand as sisters watching over our daughters and grand babies flourish living their lives from Heaven’s own door. Reminding me of promise that I had made. Crying. yes Sissy, I will with all my heart. But I not wish to let You go…Waking up only to hear myself crying out Dear God, don’t take her from me. Not yet please lord. Old habits of not answering my phone when such deep thoughts became so dark........
      Neighbors knocking at the door, knowing of my grief. Yet the only ones for awhile, that I was even able to get myself to answer too. Was Bubby Michael and Aunt Pat, as long as I wasn’t drowning in my own tears. Bubby and I still worried if You accepted God before taking Your last breath. I was blessed with another dream that seemed so real. It was Daddy, He just came walking right up the stairs and set down to talk with me awhile. Right outside my front door, me sitting in my green chair.....
       Saying Daddy is that really You, reaching out, feeling Him take my hand. Yes, it’s me. Now dry your tears, but Daddy it hurts so much. I miss her so. We not even know, O’my  God, please Daddy tell me that she is okay. Ah Now, you're not to worry of that. Your sister is just fine. No longer struggling to breathe, walking around talking with Your brother Wayne, sharing and catching one another up of all the years that gone by. Now, I need You to remember promise that You made Your sister.....
      And tell Your Brothers, they have made me so proud. It’s alright to grieve, but You can’t allow that to be all that You feel. For You will be together again as long as You don’t cause Yourself to lose Your way. We’ll always be watching. One day if You allow we’ll be waiting to welcome You home as well., Remember to be there for each other and love one another!  
Feeling Daddy gently kiss my cheek. Saying, I am only saying good-bye for now …I love You baby girl!
Waking up, feeling not as sad. Thinking, doubt that God, would allow me to have such dreams if Your not ok, Safely with our love ones waiting to one day welcome rest of us, Your siblings home! I will keep my promise to forgive myself and start living again. . Even though I miss You, in my heart You'll always be. See You again one day Sis...
                                                            Love You always!