deepundergroundpoetry.com
She's here
She is out there........ Some where....... She feels close...... I hope she knows..... How much love I can hold..... In my little soul..... Answer to me, please...... I don't want you to leave.... Without you knowing the truth..... When I look deep into life..... I see the light in your eyes.....I know your here...... Please tell me where......!! I'm waiting for you to appear!!!.......
How do I know you will be there....!! I have done many prarys....... For you not to disappear!!.... Your my one and only cure!!!.... To make me pure!!!..... I know your out there.....!! I need to know where!!!..... The only thing I know is that your not here...... ='( I will be waiting right here, waiting for you to appear!!!......
How do I know you will be there....!! I have done many prarys....... For you not to disappear!!.... Your my one and only cure!!!.... To make me pure!!!..... I know your out there.....!! I need to know where!!!..... The only thing I know is that your not here...... ='( I will be waiting right here, waiting for you to appear!!!......
Published 16th Jun 2011
| Edited 18th Jun 2011
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likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
16th Jun 2011 8:20pm
My honest feedback would be; too many periods, too many exclamation points and 1 smiley too many. The rhyming sounds contrived. Did you mean to say "prarys"? I assume (and maybe wrongly) that it's meant to be "prayers".
I'm not looking to crap all over your work, just giving honest feedback as commenting preference dictates.
I'm not looking to crap all over your work, just giving honest feedback as commenting preference dictates.
16th Jun 2011 8:26pm
Nice to know that I am not alone looking for the love of life. Use of the exclamation points points out that you are serious in using this form of expression to drive home your desire for companionship. Sounds a little forceful though. Over all I like it.
16th Jun 2011 11:16pm
The periods and exclamation points really take away from the poem, making it unenjoyable to read and the smilie makes it very childish.
The overall message is good, and relatable.
Just work on the aesthetics of your poem and perhaps less forceful rhyme.
The overall message is good, and relatable.
Just work on the aesthetics of your poem and perhaps less forceful rhyme.
17th Jun 2011 11:53pm
i like your poem i really do but i think you shouldnt had used so much periods or exclamation points
18th Jun 2011 2:57pm
When i submite my poems the poems end up look like that i dont know why it comes out like that. thats why i put lot of periods to space them apart. please does anyone know how to fix that formate???
10th Jul 2012 3:41am
felt the sensation of insecure premenitions of dieng love... sad and hopefull all in one! could probably format it with out the ... kinda blurry to stare at
