The monster stopped numbing

Cant deal with the stress cant handle the pain.
So I run away, I run till I cant any longer my feet are scratched and brusied,
I still fill that heartbreak I caused how It tears my insides apart.
the look on your face exhausted and done.
Is killing my heart.
how I choose this kaotic life I thought it would b right,
Now I see how very wrong I was the damage I brought the lies and decite how  truly sorry I am, there is no rhyme or reason, I had it all and lost it so quickly.
the stress and pain is overwhealming my body,
So I sit and pity jut a few more min  lying to myself just a lil more each day
until I take control over what I can....the feelings I feel.
how in one hit the problems seem to disappear. how I can depend on good  ol crystal to handle it all.
the one I turn to to easy the tension. I needed her more and more it seemed.
defended her name, she never cared about the kaos or abt my life. not once did she ask. I enjoyed it in fact,
not thinking and getting away, I started to see a change, a change I disliked and couldn't look at myself I felt to disgusting. the people who matter the most saw the the dark live less human I had become. saying i was tired and down, i begged you not to worry how i couldn't add more pain, the uncertainty and doubt was consuming the same house you made me feel safe. how i hate how i abused and mistreated the place where you brought me to love. the feelings are back in full force this time, holding back tears the want to shed, i want back that girl with a smile the one who you loved and believed in. i do what i do best now i run and run..i need her now more than ever, shes always there a beck of a call, numbing me taking what i have left to offer. then shes gone not staying to long now. i start to wonder whats going on, i cant loose her. i catch myself pass by a mirror walk quickly hiding myself not wanting to see the damage i caused on myself, my family look at the once outgoing girl.. now to see what was left a hollow shell, i knew what i wanted to do, ease every ones pain most of all my own, who to turn to who did the best, she was different so cold and short not wanting to stay she had gotten what she needed. alone, broken and lost. just then i did something random i started to cry it felt like rain cleaning my soul giving me strength to go back home. surrending what was left of me begging for help i so badly needed, ready to change to be okay with my feelings to start healing>