deepundergroundpoetry.com
fuck i'm in love
he makes me laugh
he does not rush me
even if he is to busy too talk he stops to say i love you every day
wean he kisses me my heart stops
wean i run my fingers through his flat black hair i'm safe
wean he strips for me it gets hard to breathe
i wake up thinking about him & i go to sleep thinking about him
awww fuck i do really love him don't i?
he does not rush me
even if he is to busy too talk he stops to say i love you every day
wean he kisses me my heart stops
wean i run my fingers through his flat black hair i'm safe
wean he strips for me it gets hard to breathe
i wake up thinking about him & i go to sleep thinking about him
awww fuck i do really love him don't i?
Published 9th Oct 2015
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9th Oct 2015 9:33pm
A few grammatical things first: in L2 you mean "does", not "dose", in L3 "to busy" should be "too busy", and in L6 "breath" should be "breathe".
The emotions behind this poem are obviously sincere, but if you want to write well you have to express them in an artistic way. At the moment all you've done is write down how you feel, which is sincere and I'm sure therapeutic, then chopped it up with line breaks and added some superficial style, like not using capitals and replacing "and" with an ampersand. That doesn't make a memorable poem. If you want to capture our attention and alter our perceptions, which great poems do, you have to give us something more than just how you feel. You have to give us an insight that's applicable to us, or an image we can hold in our heads and remember. Utterly stripped-down, spare poems can and do work, as in this piece by American writer Richard Brautigan:
Love Poem
It's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.
What he's done there is give us irony - the title, "Love Poem", makes us think the poem will be sweet and romantic, when in fact it's bitter and cynical - which challenges our expectations and makes us remember the poem. Basically, if you want to be a good poet you have to give us something that stays with us.
Anyway, I hope this helps! xxx
The emotions behind this poem are obviously sincere, but if you want to write well you have to express them in an artistic way. At the moment all you've done is write down how you feel, which is sincere and I'm sure therapeutic, then chopped it up with line breaks and added some superficial style, like not using capitals and replacing "and" with an ampersand. That doesn't make a memorable poem. If you want to capture our attention and alter our perceptions, which great poems do, you have to give us something more than just how you feel. You have to give us an insight that's applicable to us, or an image we can hold in our heads and remember. Utterly stripped-down, spare poems can and do work, as in this piece by American writer Richard Brautigan:
Love Poem
It's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.
What he's done there is give us irony - the title, "Love Poem", makes us think the poem will be sweet and romantic, when in fact it's bitter and cynical - which challenges our expectations and makes us remember the poem. Basically, if you want to be a good poet you have to give us something that stays with us.
Anyway, I hope this helps! xxx
12th Oct 2015 10:16am
are you really in love? - I like the ambiguity of the last line. It starts of as rather a sweet love poem, then the last line but in the killer question. This allows the reader to consider and think about a possible answer to this question.
excellent wee poem :-)
excellent wee poem :-)
