Ties

Glimpses of your fighting spirit
One I thought was dedicated to me
Still shines, just in other directions
Now that you've found what gives you life
I used to think you came alive
Like how I did for you inside
But now that I can compare
I have become more aware
I need to use these pieces
Of your newfound revival
To tie together who you were
Right with who you are
Take strings attached to who I miss
And bind them to rough fabrics of who I now know
Thread them through sweet dreams I once had
And tie it up in knots of reality
Because it's not that you had changed
It's that you didn't feel the same
It's why your days are free of pain
And why I'm left with little gain
A sad cluster of complex emotions
Ropes that mostly left me cut
Chained to an illusion that brought me comfort
I'd have surrendered myself to you in lace
Because I wanted to be tied up
As much as I wanted to be tied down
Securely fastened to one another
But you just wanted to be untied
When you undid your loose silk restraints
I realized the difference in our materials
Mine was durable, held in place by gratitude
Tightly equipped to weather storms ahead
Unmatched construction, foundations fell
I stuck to "what if" solutions, you just stuck to "oh well"
Pieces of what we built a mess
I lost us both beneath the wreckage
Then when I found tenderness I'd once been acquainted with
Next to the egression and the icy almost hatred
It didn't make sense that this was from the same source
It was surreal and really threw me off course
Since then I have been trying to process all that went on
Never have I felt such disappointment for being wrong
In order to cope I had to split you into two
But haven't been able to discern which one is the real you
Is it the one in the beginning who was intrigued when we first met?
Or is it the one who was quick to leave and disconnect?
Could they both be elements of your personality?
Now I'm thinking it's obvious they must be
So I'm taking all the good and bad
Double, triple, quadruple knotting it
Into a reminder piece if I should ever reflect
To show me the truth if I ever forget
I don't think these dots will ever quite line up
Not a seamless fit but one that must be accepted
Torn between what is and what I just can't understand
Just gotta learn how to tie them together with these hands