I can't anymore.

I may be relapsing.
You never heard about the last time because it was so bad that I couldn't bare to write about it.
It was like taking a jagged razor and dipping it in salt, and swallowing it. I wanted to slice myself open from the inside out. The option still sounds better than how I feel now. My hands are too heavy to drag across the keys. My heart is to broken for anyone to try and console me. I want to become lost, but I keep finding myself. I feel myself always about to cry, and I am so scared that the wrong person is going to see me break. Emotions are the types of things that can be held against your throat like a freezing knife in the middle of the night in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe you're the person holding the knife. It doesn't matter, they have a mind of their own, and don't have any mercy. Everyone thinks they know what's best for me, and they all have something they need. I have so many people I can't let down, and it's okay when everything is good, but then you're bad, and you want to give up, and you realize that you can't. and then the knife slices a little. Not deadly, but it burns, and wakes you up. Now that it has your attention, you're a hostage. And maybe you're okay with letting go, but I am not. I can't. I have people to make proud. I can't just walk away. It is far too late for that. I don't know what I am supposed to do though. I can't keep living like this though. I am dying. I am so tired. So so tired. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I think I am far passed insane. I think I am just about done. It isn't okay to feel like this. Maybe I should feel like this. Maybe I'll stop dragging my numb fingers over the keys, everyone has heard this story before anyway. Why do they want to read my version. It isn't important. I'm not important. I am irreverent. Superfluous. Maybe I'll just give up. Maybe I am do-