deepundergroundpoetry.com
Wishes
I wish I were your poem
something worth decoding
I wish I were a window
with a view always pure
I wish I were a glass half full
but you know as well as I
the fiction behind these words
a pen inked with lies
because there is no man behind the curtain
no fate
no plan
no brains
no beauty
I know I’m just your pawn
so I will wait to die
and with your cloying breath
beguile me
just tell me once that I was loved
I hope you win.
something worth decoding
I wish I were a window
with a view always pure
I wish I were a glass half full
but you know as well as I
the fiction behind these words
a pen inked with lies
because there is no man behind the curtain
no fate
no plan
no brains
no beauty
I know I’m just your pawn
so I will wait to die
and with your cloying breath
beguile me
just tell me once that I was loved
I hope you win.
Published 8th Jun 2011
| Edited 11th Jun 2011
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likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 7
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Jun 2011 8:52pm
10th Jun 2011 4:11pm
10th Jun 2011 7:29pm
There seems to be a typo on the fifth line, but... other than that, this reads fine. The last stanza before the closing line is very, rather good. One thing I will say is try avoiding the use of 'and' as much as possible, I had many a publisher pull me up on it... 9 times out of 10 the poem reads a little better without it.
Anyhow, if you're new to the writing game, you're off with a good start, I look forward to reading how you develop here.
Anyhow, if you're new to the writing game, you're off with a good start, I look forward to reading how you develop here.
Thanks! you're completely right about the "and" thing and I'll try to watch out for that in the future :)
Anonymous
- Edited 14th Jul 2011 10:36pm
14th Jul 2011 10:34pm
<< post removed >>
7th Oct 2011 2:30am
4th Jul 2013 2:19am
