I miss you

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm going insane. I think differently now, in a way that relates to a a color, not orange or red, but definitely purple and blue. It's scary. I wanted to have a reason but now it feels like everyone will hate me no matter what. It's going to end for me very soon, I can tell. I didn't ask for much. I just wanted a wife who respected me, a daughter I could try to protect, and old friend to nod back to me one last time. A few old friends. Perhaps I am greedy. But why? Why should I want anything if I have no reason to enjoy it. Everyone puts down my faith, members of it tarnish our reputation as a whole, and sometimes I think we are the root of today's problems. I know we wouldn't be if we weren't, but a problem no longer existing is a solved problem. I wish I could understand. I'd name her Avigail. For my lost sister I never really knew. Even now I lie only to further my own ends. But what about the other her. Some joked and said it'd be a him. I knew otherwise. I tried to finding them. But like every time. They don't know me, they love me, and then they know me. Trinity, Ashley, Morganne, Abby, Jane, Tara. It's quite unfair, yet I deserve it. Sometimes two plus two does not equal four. But instead composes it. I grasp at what can be understood and achieved and try to write them, but instead find myself repeating and wallowing in self pity. Such an absurd word. As if someone could begin to comprehend the exposure I've felt and pain we've endured. No. It's a synonym for excuse. A metaphor of ignorance. A simile to bigotry. Like each situation is the same. Like anyone could repeat. Infinite is an extremely simple idea. It's not leaving margins for error. Yet we all act as if so. Love doesn't let that work though, oh no. We cling to the infinity and one that we all understand. A reason that's only purpose is to be a reason. I wish this was planned, but I only remember the seventeenth thing I said. I wanted to end on that, but if be a hypocrite then, wouldn't I? Who am I asking? As if I'll get a response, like people would care to "sympathize" with me. I can pity myself, thank you. Yet, I am the fool who asked for it. Now I am a hypocrite for avoiding such. Truly, we don't matter. But that's just the point. We are infinity, and infinity and one.