all these things

I can't tell you how many times I've had to hold back tears in the middle of class to avoid looking weak.

I can't tell you how much I love him and constantly want to talk to him but don't to avoid being the clingy person I am

I can't tell you how much I stray from mirrors to avoid tears.

I can't tell you how much I hate my weight and want to change but lack the energy to do so

I can't tell you how much I cry at night or cry in general due to just feeling shitty

I can't tell you how many times I've been in that much pain I wished I could just not feel anything at all

I can't tell you how much I think he deserves better but how scared I am to lose him

I can't tell you how much guilt I feel because I feel like I hold him back from doing things he wants in order to make me happy

I can't tell you how much I dread the day I lose him and not only him but a part of myself

I can't tell you hoe many tears fell onto this page while I write this

I can't tell you how many medications I've tried just to feel okay

I can't tell you how much I wish I was a normal teenager

I can't tell you all these things but I will