I Always Told Myself

I remember
The intensity that enveloped my being
Every time you came around
And the way it would consume me
To the depths of my very core
Leaving me breathless
Desperate only to inhale you
Nervous heart pounding
At anticipation of your presence
Hard to explain, but it revived me
Brought to life a new kind of hope
Drizzled in soft sweetness
That I was willing to explore

Then before I could think
I soon came to know
My whole world changing
Evolving before my eyes
Each time our hands touched
I grew a little stronger
The smile upon my face
Was impossible to rid of
It was the water I required
To nourish my pained soul
And I ached for more
Every time that you left
Because your taste was so good to me
And always left me satiated

Droplets soothed my fears
And calmed my sense of doubt
You knew just how
To hold me
You must have assessed me without my knowledge
And carefully measured the grip I needed
Not too loose or too tight
You kept me close so right
And I loved the way you'd stay
Absorbing my insecurities until they vanished from my grasp
Lifting them to some place that I
Could never access while with you
I could never figure out what you did with them
Whether you threw them to thin air or just took them on yourself
But I always laid there in admiration and gratitude
Because I never thought that someone
Could possess such strong abilities

It takes a certain kind of strength to deal with my emotions
And a kind of resilience I've only barely come to know
I hadn't considered you losing patience
When you helped me find such ease in being myself
I often loved the confidence shining in your eyes
It gave me hope whenever I thought I'd lost it
In those moments I knew
And never once thought twice
Of whether or not safety resided in you
I could have slept in your embrace
And never craved a wakeful existence
If it guaranteed the halt
Of any oncoming separation

Each time that I look back
I become immersed in heartfelt floods
Reflections shine in water
Amidst the tear stained smiles
Sometimes I wish for rapid currents
To carry my reflections straight to you
So you can see how my insides moved
To the beat of your honest rhythm
And how I opened up completely
Because you left me so inspired

Your light left me glowing
For a while it was all I could see
And my heart was ever flowing
Emotions ran so deep
The future was never knowing
But all I wanted was the gift of showing
Your value and your worth
And all that you deserve
I wanted to accentuate your top qualities
So that when you looked in my eyes you'd see some sort of token
Reminding you of how special you are
Snapshots of your capabilities inside me for safe keeping
I only wanted to be the one to make you happy
Ignoring the fact that you might be too good for me
Still I strived to convey it with precision
Because I knew your smile had been gone too long
And it was the least I could do
To repay you for all I'd received

When I look at you now
No longer by my side
I know you did the right thing for yourself
As your life comes together
I see happiness alive in you
Yes I'm sad that under my care
It all broke so bad
But maybe it's exactly what you needed
To get away from the situation and me
A necessary step
To realize who you can become
It's a beautiful thing
To watch you transform into who I always knew you were
I couldn't help you be that person
Somehow the opposite happened
I guess I prevented you from moving forward
So leaving was the only logical fix

I knew it was coming, still
The unfairness of the situation hurts
I'd find it easier to swallow if I'd done something wrong
If the reasons were my fault
If I could cast blame in some sort of direction
Instead of trying to come to terms with
Accepting that it was circumstance caused
You just hit your limits
I'd have given limitlessly
But it didn't matter
It couldn't
You knew what you wanted
And it wasn't me, anymore

The idea of us became too much
The trust you lost in yourself
Caused you to lose trust in me
Instability had its way
With paths we inadvertently set in motion
We were so confident in maintaining
And maybe that was our mistake
We forgot that under pressure, anything can break
No matter how durable you think foundations are that you lay
You can't ever skip out on nourishment
We never could predict that
Something so great could turn so bad
Because we didn't think we were that fragile
Or that cyclical complications could arise

I guess we became the risk no longer worth taking
So you found it easier to kill all that you had for me
Sacrifice my heart for your safety
Do whatever you gotta do
The feeling's gone, I won't complain
Have to accept how you saw it
No predictable secure destination
Better off leaving than drowning in seas of doubt and mistrust
I can understand the desire to not want to swim with damage
Floating remnants only tend to build sinking ships
You and I were so much better than that
Above all the destruction so many others seem to cause themselves
I know you believed that we were worth more
And you were right

But there are always exceptions
You didn't view us as one
You stuck to rules which exclusively screamed "DANGER"
And never heard sounds of "maybe there's potential"
I thought our hearts were reverberating as one
Sending echoes of wanting to try into the distance
My best wasn't enough to call out to you
I ignored that yours was fading over time
Because of what you told me, and you know
Your inner voices were much louder than mine
Failure was decided before we could fail
I feel frustration at this concept
But try to find comfort that it's leading to your success

When foundations fall apart you can let them burn to the ground
Or you can collect and treasure the left over pieces
I can't blame you for making the decision you thought right
It probably was best for you in the end
We all deserve a happy life
And I can't hate you for going after it
I wanted to be part of the happiness you found
But you can't always get what you want
At least I'll see you smiling from a distance
That's one want I know I'll get
Oh how I wanted to give you all of my heart
And how I craved to feel yours back in full
A desire that I once believed was mutual
Turned to dust at the threat of our bad choices
I try to force a genuine smile
And I'd almost mean it
But my heart drops with my tears
As I remember how I always told myself
That everything I had inside for you
Was yours to take or leave as you wish