I don't wanna be this way

I don't want to be this way
she looks down with tears,
biting my lip I try not to cry.
she is my friend twenty years ,
or almost that long,
we reunite and click like no time has passed.
how long do they say ...
oh you know three months a year
hard to tell...
my ears heard the words but my heart just fell,
I would never have thought of all
my friends that she'd become
the junkie she'd left me for being,
So many years ago ...

The years of abuse destroying us
even the health problems risk to our lives. Doesn't matter .. Doesn't stop
all the pain all the regrets ,that a million steps and amends at n/a ,
couldn't comfort conscience not an addicts strong suit.
our pain and guilt destroys us  from within the hallways of skeleton
filled closets..
all the pain I'm feeling and all the drugs I'm dealing ,
I don't want to be like this ,
I don't try to fail I just am gifted
at all the wrong things
unfortunately although being in my
families lives is great ,
I'm not a liar and the truth is I'm happiest when I'm loaded .
but I'm an addict no weekend
warrior I have two speeds fast and flying,
but through it all I can't deny
the drugs aren't the addictive high,
it's the game, the hustle .
the entire dramatic over indulgent
process of drug use ..
I'm just so far out here there's no light
to guide me home..
like a lonely tear escapes my eye
burning my tear duct with
emotional acid, i lay here placid
trying to be reasureing to my friend
who is dieing , and suddenly ,
uncontrollably I'm crying....
I never wanted to be this way,
I never meant to not take my insulin,
I never meant to starve myself .
I never thought my own body could
be toxic to itself ...
but here I am deteriorating ,
And struggling to do anything.
I realize then that her feelings of regret and self loathing..
she's dolled out her own punishment
no person could ever make me feel worse than I already make myself
feel, all of the world has beat and
bruised me ,scarred my heart
cut it wider than a gash and
the slowest form of death...
is l oveing  unconditionally,
it leaves nothing for you to wield in
the battle no weapons to abolish it
you have to bare the marks
quietly and alone , cause nobody
nobody wants to see you cry and listen to you glorify a heinous
beast a sociopath that now
stands by and watches you
deteriorating and is powerless
to aid you in your demise
a glass of diet Pepsi and
a week's worth of pills ,
I can't help but think that...
we never want to be this way,
we thought with lives we could play.
And I offer a hug, but we are too tough for tenderness..
laughing and feeling normal ..
there's really nothing wrong with us.
we still feel , cry and love, we still bleed when cut..
I never meant it to be this way.
I never would have thought that
a few years of fun could turn into
my young life being done,
a future with no hope, all because I couldn't stop using  dope...after all I didn't wanna be this way ....is all she can say..  i know is my only answer,
quietly I say goodnight and go to bed.
finding I can't sleep .. we are both still awake I force a hug on her
I squeezed until I'd thought shed break... Danielle lean...
just like me .crazy and fuckkin mean,
but definately worthy of an epitaph
her heart was slow  but her head did glow.  She never meant to be this way,shes in my heart forever ,in my mind playing jokes and calling shannanigans on me .. ...........to be continued...forever and ever