On Deep Dark Deadness of the Soul... and Recovery

Responding to this quote in Upworthy (http://www.upworthy.com/this-kids-dad-is-just-as-bad-as-the-bullies-at-school-until-he-makes-me-smile-at-the-end?c=reccon2)
"It looks to people like a choice. And it's clearly a choice that was terrible for my family, it was terrible for my wife, it broke up my marriage, it broke up my children's home. ... It really wasn't good for anybody particularly, except for me. So, if I chose to do something that was bad for everybody but me, that's an act of radical — even sociopathic — selfishness ... but to me ... there was no one else I could be. It wasn't a selfish choice. It was a choice between living or dying."

I know the feeling all too well,  I am polygamous by inclination, and probably demisexual as well.  I have been struggling with my obsessing with the woman I call raven for 19 years.  when she leaves my life I die inside, I recently discovered that this going "dead inside" is what they talk about when the say "depression".

it is a slow process to recovery, and any time that she contacts me, i feel that i may be worthy of continuing to breathe.  (it is called math, people use it) and lately my dreams are in terms of three... her, her husband, and i.

if i do what i must to survive, this will make it so that i loose my legal wife as well as our foster daughter...

considering that i have an imperative to have/raise children i must choose between my daughter, and the woman that i am obsessed with.

so far i have had the strength to resist...
but i am dancing on the razors edge...
and i know that i am close to slipping...