deepundergroundpoetry.com
A little faith and effort
Today is today
tomorrow is tomorrow
maybye some other day I wont see any sorrow
With little faith that I have,
I know I could try
to put some effort in my day
so maybe i wont cry
I might succced and be happy,
but if I fail to success
then im might as well,
be teary eyed and feel crappy
Well today is my day
and my day shall be great!
So please sir,
get out of my way
and let me wonder my great escape
tomorrow is tomorrow
maybye some other day I wont see any sorrow
With little faith that I have,
I know I could try
to put some effort in my day
so maybe i wont cry
I might succced and be happy,
but if I fail to success
then im might as well,
be teary eyed and feel crappy
Well today is my day
and my day shall be great!
So please sir,
get out of my way
and let me wonder my great escape
Published 28th May 2011
| Edited 5th Jun 2011
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Rosie, you asked for help on the Poetry Workshop thread, so could I make some detailed points that I hope will be of help?
V3, Line 1: 'succeed' (spelling)
Line 2: 'if I fail to success' doesn't really make sense. You could either say, 'fail to succeed' or, if you want to avoid repetition of the word 'succeed', just say, 'if I fail', and end the line there.
Line 3: Do you mean 'then I might as well'?
Line 4: I'd add a hyphen to 'teary eyed' so that the words are bound together into a single descriptive expression: 'teary-eyed'.
V4, line 3: Not quite sure what 'wonder my great escape' means. As it's the last line, it would help to finish on a rhyme, since you've used rhyme in previous verses, so how about something like: 'and let me enjoy my wonderful day'?
General advice - check your work for simple errors before submitting it. Whatever you do, don't stop writing - you've got things to say. I hope you see this as friendly advice rather than desructive criticism, because that's how it's meant. Best wishes, CJ.
V3, Line 1: 'succeed' (spelling)
Line 2: 'if I fail to success' doesn't really make sense. You could either say, 'fail to succeed' or, if you want to avoid repetition of the word 'succeed', just say, 'if I fail', and end the line there.
Line 3: Do you mean 'then I might as well'?
Line 4: I'd add a hyphen to 'teary eyed' so that the words are bound together into a single descriptive expression: 'teary-eyed'.
V4, line 3: Not quite sure what 'wonder my great escape' means. As it's the last line, it would help to finish on a rhyme, since you've used rhyme in previous verses, so how about something like: 'and let me enjoy my wonderful day'?
General advice - check your work for simple errors before submitting it. Whatever you do, don't stop writing - you've got things to say. I hope you see this as friendly advice rather than desructive criticism, because that's how it's meant. Best wishes, CJ.
22nd Jun 2011 6:01am
Thanks that really helped didn't notice how many errors I had in that poem. Will do on the changes.
