Heartache Chronicles 2

They all think I'm a villain because of what I did to you and you probably think so too. You haven't the slightest idea of how tormented Judas felt in the moments he realised the treachery of what he'd done, but I think I do. He was the one: predestined to betray the Son, yet even that which was written in the stars could not release him from his regret so, himself, he hung. You despise me for being too weak to face the excruciating hurt that I felt everytime I reached out to you and you pushed me away. And it did hurt; everytime I dialed your number and I held my breath, anticipating your voice on the other end - to say simply 'I'm right here'- but it never came. And I needed you to assure me coz my insecurities: they lure me from loving you so freely that all my fears: none left to conjure me. But I grew exhausted from clutching my clenched fist against my chest when I curled up into a ball of hopelessness in my cold bed, trying to convince myself that it doesn't hurt at all, but it did, and it hurt the same way that it does now.

I'm so sorry, my love, that I felt suffocated by the unpredictability and probable pain of being with you. And it's off the balcony of our nineth-floor apartment where I hoped I'd catch my breath...