If I Die Tonight

If I were to die today what would you do?
If today were my last day?
What is it you would say?
If I passed away tonight.
What would you’re last words to me be?
If you must know I am not okay.
I Need you to know that it wasn’t you.
I need you to see that it all stems from the thoughts inside of me.
If I were to leave this world.
How would you cope with my passing?
What memories would you share with those around you?
What moments would you hold close to your heart?
If I had twenty four hours left to live. What would we do?
How would you say goodbye?
In these moments I am wondering. Do I really matter to those around me?
Do they really see that I am not the man I used to be?
Do they know that I am not the person they used to love?
Can they truly understand that I cannot bare this guilt anymore?
Can they not see the turmoil boiling inside of me?
You were supposed to know me best.
You were supposed to pass every test.
The test of time.
The test of love.
The test of memories.
The test from above.
To live this life any longer would be a travesty I cannot commit to.
To wish you were here and not do anything to bring myself to you is something I surely cannot do.
You see in the end I need you.
In the end you must be there.
In the end I do not wish to be alone.
In this moment I want to be held.
I want to cry for what I have lost.
I have lost you.
That is so very true.
I have lost my ability to love as I used too.
I cannot deny my feelings.
I cannot act on my thoughts.
I cannot die here and now.
But if tonight were my last night.
How would you say good bye?
Would you hold me and try to convince me that everything is ok?
Would you tell me that my life is worth living?
A life without the love of the one I need?
A life with only moments of joy?
There is no lasting happiness in me anymore.
Moments of levity are just that, moments.
They mean the world to me and I feel normal for just a moment.
Then it is gone.
Then I am empty once more.
I am hollow inside.
My heart is still beating.
But my soul is gone.
My brain still bleeds.
The memories that kill me in my dreams.
Tonight I wish to die, but that cannot be.
But if it were what in the world would you say to me?
How would to make me stay by your side and how would you make me believe this is where I belong.
How could there be a moment such as this?
Where the conclusion of death promises so much more bliss.
The worlds I create are great reprieves from the reality of my life.
The sadness the echoes through my bones.
The darkness that threatens my very existence.
When I know that there is more out there for me.
When I know that I could see you again with the pull of this trigger.
The sound of the gun wouldn’t even register and in that moment I might be able to find you.
In that moment I might be able to hold you once more.
Kiss your lips and see your smile.
In that fleeting moment between life and death I might know real peace.
So if you were here what would you say to me?
What could you tell me to keep me from being that latest casualty in a war known as love?
Where in this world is there another like you?
Where in this world is my heart?
Where has my motivation gone?
Has my empathy for people truly turned to apathy?
Has my mind.
My greatest gift.
Turned into my worst fear?
Has the thought of you finally killed me?
So here in this moment.
My last moment.
I have to ask.
Would you do the same for me too?
Would you die just to see once more?
Would you pull this trigger on the slight chance that in that moment we could be together again?
Would you?
How could you?
How could I want you too?
How could I ask you to leave the world behind when you are the brightest light of all?
Because in this night.
In this very moment.
The seconds between the beatings of my heart.
I know that for the rest of my life.
We must remain completely apart.