A Need To Breathe

For every stride,
Through much strife,
Staving off depression
with clinical bouts of forceable smiles,
it became my sole mission.
For every step I took,
it seemed I fell off and away by miles.

I've said it a thousand times,
I'm tired of being like this-
I'm tired of being the fuck-up like this.
Yet, everyday
in the same old ways
I cave in,
again and again.

Every so often it happens that I'd search my heart,
An ask myself the hardest questions.

But I've given myself the same answers,
There's no underlying repossession
ready to snatch away my concentration
on the image of one- Truth.

It is particularly funny
to look inside and see
that it doesn't quite reflect what's found outside
the way it must surely have to be?

Some sort of Saving Grace remains at my side
wiping the filth from my face,
every time I take a slip to eat the dirt of my old life.

What was supposed to be tragic,
what was supposed to be sad,
instead of being mad,
I'm only just worried now
About how long I'll make it until the next slide.

Rock Bottom wasn't as depressing as I thought it might be.
Instead, I've attained a sense of clarity-
My heart, no matter what might come to be,
Can never be ripped away from me
Because of my surrender,
so even though this hurts, and those same stupid mistakes
follow to meet me at the next gate,
My insides have found a new sense of Peace.

I need to live.
I need to survive.
And I must be able to thrive-
Not for me,
But for my purpose-
For my future
And for a moment I feel truly silly,
because at Rock Bottom, how do I feel this happy?

When you find yourself so far down,
the only thing left to do is to let go-
this is further than the end of one's rope-
this is free-falling into what you don't know
But let me tell you,
I'm not broken to pieces, I only feel peace
Like, somehow, a corner was turned,
a page was turned-
I let go of trying to take care of me,
I let myself go truly crazy...

And God was there to catch me.
I guess that's where I needed to be
In order to see that God is who I need.

And its hard to see others drop,
Even harder to find yourself being the one dropping,
But I have found
That if the one doing the falling
can't trust, can't see, or can't believe...
Well- then it doesn't matter.

Because God believes, an He's the one who sees,
Because that Love is so trustworthy,
given to us all so fervently and freely.
So I will fall,
And don't try to save me
Because I, we all, need to fall
so that God may be the one to catch me.

And He says,
"Just breathe in time with me."

That is all I need.