Green Shadow of a stair lit night.... part 12 (madly smiling)

i sat in that bitter fucking white room with nothing more than mt thoughts and my spiting mind. ever breath I took bitter and cold. I felt so numb as i sat there. it was there when i saw just how this world is. for the first time i saw life. as not being sad. but ever so fucking twisted. " i will make this sick, sick world pay for hurting me. i found out how not to hate my life. but to hate life my own. i sat there with may hands and pride tied up. and i looked and gave off a mad smile and it was then i knew what it is that i will just do... I already lost my sanity and reason to life. so now i will fight.

i started to think. my first pain is to get our of this place I know it may be hared but i must or i am living in vain. life took my option of death so death i will gladly give to any man who steps in my way.

the next day i was taken to my room. that day i thought my self how to smile. it looked a little twisted, a perfect smile to match this fucked up world. that whole day i did all my therapy - with a smile. told them "how i see how life is a gift"- biggest lie i ever told. yes, i know soon this world will be mine to hurt. soon, so very soon. i even told a joke to my mindless doctor. i still could not bring my self to eat. witch is getting very strange. i have not eaten a thing in three days. that night as i was about to sleep i saw that i found something to live for. and it almost makes me want tomorrow to come. the day after that was a cold and rainy day. a day just for me. this day shows how life is perhaps grieving with me. i forced my self to eat a apple. it made me so sick, i never knew i has such sharp teeth. that day they let me listen to music. it was so sweet every word the vocalist song sent chills down my spin. it was a good day in my mind so insanity. i smiled ever so madly tricking every one to think im okay. little did they all know i was the worse i ever been. and bitterly happy i was  

after only a week put bull shitting every one who was there they let me go. after three fucking mounts. just like that i was free. i spoke to Jill and Ian. we hugged and "cried" and i was back in my dark dark room. that night at about 12 or so i went out to that little grave yard. i smoked and started to laugh out load. i stayed there not too long when i when to town to see if i could get some old drunk to by my something hared to drink. i got some paid him for his trouble and went on my way. on the way home a random man saw me a called me a fag for having long hair. i stopped and i forced my fist deep in to his stupid face. i mad sure to brake every fucking tooth. he punched back a few time. he landed one good one on my bottom lip. so i made sure he would not get put by braking his left leg. i got home drunk tell i could not stop smiled and it was the best i ever fucken felt. i don't think i ever slepped so good before