To My Past Lover

To my past love,
I want to tell you that I am sorry,
I want to tell you that I never meant to hurt you.
I never wanted you to think of me like that.
For all those weeks we didn't speak,
Mostly because of my betrayal.
 
I never meant it.
I never meant to let her take me away from you.
I never meant to hurt you like that.
I wish I wasn't submissive back then,
If I was more confident.
I wouldn't have lost you.
 
I wish I could go back and change everything,
You mean the world to me.
Not as an old lover but as a friend.
 
If I didn't give in to her whining and pleas,
Would you still be with me?
Would a simple 'no' change our fate?
I wonder this some nights.
Would it be worth it?
I don't even know...
 
I wish I didn't fall for that sly fox's tricks,
Because that day I didn't just hurt you
But myself too.
I might even say I died a little bit that day,
For my kind nature made me lose the one I loved...
You.
 
It hasn't been that long but it's also been years,
For me it's been many years.
Because it took me so long to get the courage to love you more than a friend.
I was so proud to be your lover,
Even though our love was a sin.
Not mainly to your family but mine.
 
My family didn't want change,
They didn't want me to be more different than I already was.
And I was scared of being taken from you and everyone.
For loving someone of the same gender.
Our love was a sin but to me it perfect.
 
Because for me you were so worth it,
I wanted you,
I wanted to see you happy,
I wanted you to smile,
But only to me.
 
I guess I grew greedy...
Because not that long after we became lovers,
I lost you because of her.
I never got to really love you like I wanted to.
And I regret it every day and even now when I see you.
I can't help but smile hopelessly...
Because we are friends,
Laughing at our stupidity,
Forgetting a about our past with every laugh and say.
 
But to me I still remember the girl I fell in love with unexpectedly,
Not that long ago...
But also how some days it hurts,
When I know that I'm falling in love with not that girl but the boy.
The boy who is trapped inside that girl’s body and is slowly being freed.
 
You were my past lover...
But not my last.
Even though I'm with another,
And I'm still your friend.
I will still love.
 
I will still love no matter who you are,
Or who I am.
Because I honestly fell for you not that long ago...
And I'm not quite over it.
 
But I hope.
I hope with all my might that you won't find this,
Because I'm writing with my heart to you,
And I'll rather not let you find out that I still love you.
I hope that when the time is right.
You will see this and think of me.
For that day when you see it,
I'll be long gone and you'll be happy in your new life.
 
Because as every day you grow happier I can slowly move on with my life.
And I'll rather have you read my heart once I'm gone.
I might be far out of your reach when you find this.
Because I can't bear you seeing more weak than you already have.
I love you my friend and I will forever more.
Until our fates can come again in our new life's
                                                                       
As new people,
New bodies,
New faces,
News personalities,
New souls.
 
I love you my past lover...I just wish I could kiss you properly instead of a rough one after we were long since over.
I just wanted to kiss the old you before you became the real you.
 
"Ha, ha...don't I sound so stupid speaking with my heart to you. I bet I do, but it's okay. This is the only time you'll see me do something like this, because this is the last thing I will tell you with my heart before I marry."