Toxic People Social Commentary: The Benevolent Dictator: What’s love got to do with it?

Control is not a means to nurture and cultivate a happy, healthy, loving relationship, in fact it is  
the complete opposite, it is an end. It is an end to all to the things we cherish and hold sacred in  
our relationships.  
 
I was watching a video by Therapist Dr. Umar Johnson and he mentioned the term “Benevolent  
Dictator.” Although the term was applied to another topic of discussion, it is my  belief that the term can be used to describe anyone in any role in life including the people in this topic.  
 
What does the term “Benevolent Dictator” means?
 
The word Benevolent means being predisposed to acts of virtue. A Dictator is someone who yields  
absolute power. A Benevolent Dictator is an Authoritarian figure who exercises absolute control over the outcome of peoples lives without the awareness of set people. A Benevolent Dictator may allow some decision making to exist but those decisions are somewhat influenced to some degree whether emotionally, psychologically or physically.
 
Good traits of a Benevolent Dictator
 
1. They do the right thing for the most part
2. Puts the interest and needs of others first
3. Makes quick decisions
4. Show’s capability, commitment and virtue
5. Overly protective
 
What are some signs that your spouse may be a Benevolent Dictator
 
1. Heightened sensitivity to ones importance in a relationship
2.  Ability to admit when wrong but scapegoats spouse for actions leading to wrong decisions, actions
3. Believes that a “firm hand” is needed to control every situation in their relationship
4. Decision making is mostly theirs with a few exceptions only if they have some influence
5. Sexual desires and pleasures are for the Benevolent Dictator enjoyment and not the spouse  
6. Builds hope then destroys it by making the spouse feel inferior through abuse, religious  
    manipulation, personality cult and violence.
7. Uses domestic discipline methods claiming it’s for the greater good of the relationship to protect  
    a spouse from harm even if it means protecting them from themselves by enforcing rules through    
    punishment (for example spanking, which is encouraged in some cultures and religious practices)  
    and reward.  
8. Dictates the kind of friendship and relationship you have with friends and family  

Benevolent dictators in most cases start off being benevolent in the beginning of their  
relationships. It’s like a script which they use in every relationship they become involved in. They seem like everything you want in a spouse, compassionate, caring, loving and may show a slight interest in satisfying your needs in the bedroom but as time goes on they begin to exhibit signs of control by stripping their spouse’s of their individualism and personality. One may or may not notice the subtle hints like always wanting to be in your space, never wanting you to hang out with your friends or go anywhere without them. Constant arguments in which gestures of aggressive actions like flinching as if a punch is ready to be thrown. Or open hand hits which in time goes from soft ineffective to hard bruising slaps to closed fist punches. Verbal abuse and sexual abuse, rough sex which leaves the spouse in pain and unsatisfied, making their spouse’s seem inadequate and undesirable. Shows no public display of affections , intimacy or closeness. Wanting joint bank  accounts when the two of you are not even married. Tells you how to spend your money, wanting to keep you in the house, checks your email and phone, demand access to all social media accounts. Wants you to change the way you dress, to not eat healthy and workout, to stop wearing make up or jewelry using guilt and insults (you workout cause you want attention, you dress like a slut and look like a whore with all that makeup on. I hope someone rapes you).  
 
The Benevolent Dictator will claim they are doing and saying these thing to protect you from unwanted advances, rape, theft or whatever they deem a danger to you. The goal is take away your self esteem, confidence and freedom, to make you dependent on them and to keep you in fear.  And if that doesn’t work they will encourage you to drink or do drugs as a mean to make you more susceptible to their  
influence in order to control you. A perfect example of such a character is Ike Turner which was  
portrayed by Lawrence Fishburne, in “What’s Love Got To Do With It” the biopic movie based on the life of Tina Turner portrayed by Angela Basset. Ike takes Tina under his tutelage and grooms Tina into a star then marries her. He controls Tina and eventually begins to verbally abuse her then  
heightens the abuse into shocking physical violence, like dragging her out of a hospital bed late at night to  
continue his tour. Ike also introduces Tina into the realm of drug and alcohol addiction and at one point  
humiliates her by raping her until she submits to her Benevolent Dictator’s demands.  
 
What steps to take to escape your Benevolent Dictator
 
1. Seek professional counseling for psychological support
2. Write a journal with detailed descriptions of your abusive experiences with date and time
3. Eat healthy and exercise regularly
4. Treat yourself to a massage, dinner, a concert, a Broadway show, a movie
5. Share your experience with your family and friends for emotional support, don’t stay silent to  
    abuse
6. Re-establish old friendships, the friends you were kept from by your Benevolent Dictator
7. Get your sexy on, new clothes, hair, makeup and nails done, sexy undergarments and stiletto heels
8. Get your grown man on, new clothes, hair cut and shoes, look dapper
9. Go out on the town with your friends and enjoy the nightlife events
10. Get out of the relationship as soon as possible if nothing changes
11. Take a class in self defense, you can find great deals on groupon, living social, and at the local  
      YMCA’s  
 
When you think of a loving relationship and how wonderful  it makes you feel when someone  
genuinely loves and cares for your emotional, psychological, physical and economical well  
being, you know that the kind of abuse you are experiencing in your relationship with a Benevolent  
Dictator is grossly incompatible with what a healthy loving relationship is suppose to be like. Benevolent  
Dictators seem to possess an extraordinary impulse to cause a great deal of emotional, psychological, physically and economical harm to their victims which is antithetical to the idea of being a willing  
sharing partner in a nurturing relationship. One in which the happiness and intimate well being of both parties are prioritized and real love is cherished, honored, shared and respected.  
 
In closing I am reminded of a quote on LOVE by Michael Bernard Beckwith which states “You are not meant to search for it. You are not meant to wait for it. You are meant to generate it.”
 
Let’s face it as people we were not born to suffer these kinds of abuses at the hands of each other, but somewhere along our journey in life we come across these grotesque Benevolent Dictators with these horrendous destructive traits to which they use to control, and inflict hurt, and pain without remorse on unsuspecting people. So in the end I urge you, no I employ you to give your Benevolent Dictator the boot God dammit. And scream it out loud and proud “Love’s got everything to do with it”.