deepundergroundpoetry.com
Untitled
As I stand before you today, I have a confession. I fear myself.
I fear the idea of leaving this world, never to be seen again.
Specifically, I fear that I have not created a legacy that shall be remembered.
Not by my descendants, but by the people I have interacted with.
I was raised by my grandparents. My mother and father weren't absent from my life, but they were not there for the first 16 years of it.
What will I be in the eyes of my children? Will they be proud to call me mommy - will they be happy to see my face when they walk across that stage?
Will I marry a man who loves me, and actually cares about my well-being?
Or will I be what I've experienced; absent in their lives, but desperately hoping they could forgive me?
I fear that I will become a parent like the ones in my life.
I know relatives that have gotten pregnant before they finished high school, and have lived with the shame of being a young mother.
I am proud to say, that I carry no other human being in my body, but graduation day has not yet come.
I don’t think it’s right some people are considered disappointing because they gave the gift of their body, or the fact they gave it several times.
I fear that no one will want me.
My thoughts haunt me everyday during class; every A, B, C, or F grade scares me with the idea I will never achieve something like that again.
My grade has always been who I am - but I never knew it was who I had to be.
I fear for my future.
Teenagers today do not fear the words of another person, but if they have ever appeared to represent those words.
They do not fear the expectations of the state, school, or government, but if they will ever meet them.
We do not ignore our elders as popular opinion suggests, but fear that we will one day live the stories of their mistakes.
I am so sick of everyone telling me it’s okay - it never is. Do you know about the long nights I spend awake, trying to do homework?
It’s not because I procrastinate, but because I question what’s the point.
The point of my wasted energy, my silent tears, my constant anxieties over what all my trouble has been over.
I will never be proud of myself. I will never smile at the work I've done.
Unless there is some way to show me that generations after my own will see it, appreciate my life, understand my point of view; I will always be afraid.
When I lie six feet under the ground, covered by the shallow earth that has been gathered on top, who will cry? Who have I damaged by the loss of my life that has cared enough to cry?
The future is uncertain, and so am I. I don’t want to be the mother who had to give up her daughter at the age of two months - I know the results.
I don’t want to love the man that will never take part in his daughter’s life until she is sixteen, and attempt to mend it with finances - I know the results.
I don’t want to be the teenager who was kept from the world behind closed doors - I know the results!
You cannot sit here and tell me I’ll be loved, cherished, and successful. You have no idea.
I don’t want tears when I’m gone. I don’t want sad faces, unspoken words, and feelings of people who did not know who I was.
I want smiles, stories, dance music if you will! Don’t mourn my death, appreciate my life, my voice, my legacy!
I fear that I will never be the girl I try so hard to create. Just show me I will never be forgotten.
Prove to me that it’s worth it.
I fear the idea of leaving this world, never to be seen again.
Specifically, I fear that I have not created a legacy that shall be remembered.
Not by my descendants, but by the people I have interacted with.
I was raised by my grandparents. My mother and father weren't absent from my life, but they were not there for the first 16 years of it.
What will I be in the eyes of my children? Will they be proud to call me mommy - will they be happy to see my face when they walk across that stage?
Will I marry a man who loves me, and actually cares about my well-being?
Or will I be what I've experienced; absent in their lives, but desperately hoping they could forgive me?
I fear that I will become a parent like the ones in my life.
I know relatives that have gotten pregnant before they finished high school, and have lived with the shame of being a young mother.
I am proud to say, that I carry no other human being in my body, but graduation day has not yet come.
I don’t think it’s right some people are considered disappointing because they gave the gift of their body, or the fact they gave it several times.
I fear that no one will want me.
My thoughts haunt me everyday during class; every A, B, C, or F grade scares me with the idea I will never achieve something like that again.
My grade has always been who I am - but I never knew it was who I had to be.
I fear for my future.
Teenagers today do not fear the words of another person, but if they have ever appeared to represent those words.
They do not fear the expectations of the state, school, or government, but if they will ever meet them.
We do not ignore our elders as popular opinion suggests, but fear that we will one day live the stories of their mistakes.
I am so sick of everyone telling me it’s okay - it never is. Do you know about the long nights I spend awake, trying to do homework?
It’s not because I procrastinate, but because I question what’s the point.
The point of my wasted energy, my silent tears, my constant anxieties over what all my trouble has been over.
I will never be proud of myself. I will never smile at the work I've done.
Unless there is some way to show me that generations after my own will see it, appreciate my life, understand my point of view; I will always be afraid.
When I lie six feet under the ground, covered by the shallow earth that has been gathered on top, who will cry? Who have I damaged by the loss of my life that has cared enough to cry?
The future is uncertain, and so am I. I don’t want to be the mother who had to give up her daughter at the age of two months - I know the results.
I don’t want to love the man that will never take part in his daughter’s life until she is sixteen, and attempt to mend it with finances - I know the results.
I don’t want to be the teenager who was kept from the world behind closed doors - I know the results!
You cannot sit here and tell me I’ll be loved, cherished, and successful. You have no idea.
I don’t want tears when I’m gone. I don’t want sad faces, unspoken words, and feelings of people who did not know who I was.
I want smiles, stories, dance music if you will! Don’t mourn my death, appreciate my life, my voice, my legacy!
I fear that I will never be the girl I try so hard to create. Just show me I will never be forgotten.
Prove to me that it’s worth it.
Published 8th Feb 2015
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