Reciprocation

I need to sanitize my brain before I go insane, and my heart grows lame, my spirit tamed, drained from the unrestrained game of I'm to blame played by the dame that once upon a time many miles to her I came, chasing a childhood crush but, it wasn't the same with innocence gone chastened by pain, bound by chains of scars that one need not explain deeply ingrained their visibility plain, all the letters of her name on the surface of my heart and I know it's inane, I don't even have a soul yet even it feels the pain, my spirit crushed couldn't be lifted with a 100 ton crane. My ego's deflated from putting out so much energy and never finding the synergy that satisfies the inner me, returned efforts to meet my needs without me begging please, the way it's suppose to be, give and take, selfless love for each other's sake so that is the covenant I make, trying not to break in the wake of my reckless abandon putting so much at stake, putting my heart up to take even though it  always gets raped, leaving me to wonder how many more mistakes will I make,and how much more can I take, across the coals of love I've been raked. So now I'm tired of chasing, anxiously pacing, fixing parts of me that need "replacing" for the feel of my heart racing, two hearts interlacing, like young lovers embracing because, I'm anticipating a reciprocating effort to please, someone who revels in meeting my needs, a partner to help clear our garden of weeds and plant the seeds of passion as deep and    tempestuous as the Congo river, sending shivers through my entire being, forever feeling like it's my first time seeing, for the first time fresh air I'm breathing and with each breath negativity leaving. Grateful each morning it's her face I'm seeing the person who brings me joy the first one I'm greeting but, that hasn't happened and my hopes receding, emotions becoming fleeting because I'm tired of my heart bleeding. I guess this is me conceding to the things that I am needing, I'm on my knees pleading, this isn't a Dr. Seuss reading, this is real shit, and I'm starting to believe there's no such thing as a ride or die chick just ones that when the shit gets thick they're too quick to split. What the fuck happened to loyalty, stand with me and we can be royalty. Are there no queens on my level or am I just the devil chasing off the innocent, those that where heaven sent, or maybe I just ask for too much, A heart that's strong enough and filled with the stuff it takes to satisfy and indeed even pacify my tortured cries, appreciating the way my affections multiply and the rush of my love as it makes you high bringing tears to your eyes feeling something never before realized, I'm talking about real life, real love, a covenant between two divine beings strong and steadfast with passion resonating through our entire being, lovers whose lives found new meaning. And I would stand there forever looking into her eyes finally seeing the match to my soul, the other piece the makes me whole, the kindling for my passion's fiery glow, let's add fuel to the fire and watch our passion grow, creating a secret place for us to go, into each others arms when we feel out of control, a safe place where our feelings can flow into one powerful chain reaction un-phased by outside distractions wrapped tight in a lovers embrace, the only place I feel safe, for this I wait, with great anticipation for the one capable of reciprocation...