Sleep Paralysis

Its been almost a year since my best friend died. I miss him more than I could ever put into words. We still aren't completely sure what happened to him. The police, they could only do so much. They left it to be a possible hit and run. They really couldn't do anything. No one saw it happen. No one knows. But that's not the worst part. No, not by far. It was how he looked when I found him. God, I'll never be able to get those images out of my head. Stuck to my brain like hot tar, melting my sanity the more I think about it. But how could I not? How could I possibly ever forget that day? His face. Oh God, his face. Half of it was gone, just gone. His skull was busted open and caved in. I couldn't even tell it was him at first. He was missing an eye, his lips were busted open so badly, you could see his teeth. His left arm was ripped to shreds, along with his leg that was badly broken. The smell was more than enough to make me want to vomit chunks all over the place. And the bone fragments the stuck out and the thick oozing crusted blood and other disgusting things. I almost couldn't identify the body. I almost couldn't confirm it was him when asked. Lord, it took them a week to get all the blood off that wall. I don't want to remember him like that. I want to remember him as the freckled dork he was. He had the smile you swore could make flowers grow. He had a good head on his shoulders and always helped you out. He was the kind of guy that was the ideal big brother, the perfect student, the kid everyone knew and liked. The person who deserves to live longer than any of us. So why? Why did he have to die? Hell, he wasn't even out of high school yet. He didn't get to live life. I can't do this. I can't take it! I need to sleep. I need to forget about all of this. If I don't, I will go insane. Just calm down Jean. It's going to be okay. Just shut your eyes and sleep. Get a fresh start, so you can handle tomorrow.  
 
"Jean...Jean. Wake up...Jean!" The voice woke me from my slumber. I sat up quickly and let out a groggy, gasped "Ha?" I had fallen asleep at my desk again. The other students giggled and whispered to each other. "Sleep in the stables, pony boy!" That obnoxious kid Eren blurted out. Only to be flicked in the ear by the goddess Mikasa, and silenced by the dwarf of a teacher Mr. Rivaille. Or Mr. Ravioli as we called him. Sometimes Mr. Clean. After all, he'd kick you in the face if you got something dirty. One time this kid Connie drew on the desk. That was the day we learned our teacher could suplex a person. Poor kid. After an eye roll and a pissed sigh I shrugged off the comment and turned to the person who woke me. "Thanks Armin." I said to the petit blond. "I didn't say anything." He responded. Just then, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Surely I thought it was the teacher coming to punish me for drooling on his freshly polished desk. But, it didn't feel right. I slowly glanced down at my shoulder and saw a pale  hand, stiff and frozen. My stomach sank and I could hardly swallow. It felt like a chunk of ice going down. Even taking a breath was near impossible. I eventually turned my body, I admit I was afraid of what I might find. When I looked up, it was him. Every picture, every smell, every sound, every memory from that night came rushing back and flashed before my eyes in a matter of seconds. "It hurts. It hurts so much!" I heard Marco scream.  
 
My body jolted as I woke up. My eyes flashed open and I sprang up out of bed. I could finally breathe. But my heart was beating so fast I could feel it in my chest and hear it in my head. Falling to my knees in the bathroom, my stomach lurched and I vomited profusely. After that, I took a cold shower. Standing there for the longest while, and just letting the water run. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I even wanted to think anymore. Not if I thought about, that. Every time I closed my eyes I could see it. Oh how I wish I could forget. But for now, I'm not sleeping any time soon. I don't think I can handle another nightmare.  
 
Later that day I went to his grave. I did this every day, like I knew he would do for me. Sometimes I brought him flowers, other times I brought candy or food he likes. Although his stone was always showered with gifts. We made sure he wasn't alone. I just hoped that he wasn't lonely. "Hey, Marco. It's me, Jean. I brought you those speculoos you love so much when you're homesick. They were hard to find, but you know I'm always happy to get them for you." Sitting down in front of him, I gently set the gift on his stone. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I guess because Halloween is soon. And I know it's your favorite time of year. It's always so much fun to celebrate with you. Remember that time when I wrapped you up in tissue because you wanted to be a mummy, and we used like six rolls, and on the way to the party it started raining? Man I thought I was going to pass out from laughing so hard. I got to take care of you after that when you caught cold. And then you took care of me after I caught your cold. And remember that time when I wore a t-shirt that said 'horse costume' and you were a cowboy and you had to hold me back from that asshole Jaeger? He still calls me pony boy, what a jerk." I smiled half heatedly at the ground. Taking a deep breath. "I miss you..." My watch went off, and startled me. Snapping me out of my daydream. "It's been an hour already? Man, time flies. Ha? Well. I'll see you tomorrow buddy." I got up and dusted myself off, flashing him a smile before I went. "It hurts. it hurts so much!" I froze. Tears stinging at my eyes. "H...ha?" I whispered. The air had turned so cold around me, I swear I could see my breath. My hands trembled as I slowly turned around. I sighed. Nothing there. Just my imagination. I was stressed, I should go home. Chuckling a little at my own stupidity, I shoved my hand in my pocket to get my keys. "See you, Marco." I said, turning on my heel once again. Taking out my keys I looked up at where my car was parked. But in the way, was him. His bloody, mangled corpse. I blacked out.  
 
I woke up screaming. Again. How many times did this have to happen? Was I even awake? Am I still dreaming? What hell am I in? Just stop. Make it stop! Please let me wake up!  
 
By now, I wasn't sleeping. And I wasn't leaving my home. I couldn't go through that again. I would go insane. Completely insane. I would just have to stay awake. And stay awake I did. Red Bulls, Monsters, Five Hour Energy, Starbucks, all empty, littered my floor. Overflowing from the recycling bin in the kitchen. Popping a few 'stay awake' pills I picked up at the drug store, I paced my home for hours.  
 
Day 1 of my sleepless life was fine. I made it through no problem.  
Day 2. Netflix marathon. After all, I needed to catch up on Bob's Burgers and maybe watch a few shitty horror movies for the hell of it.  
Day 3. This is easier than I thought. Thanks Starbucks.  
Day 4. Dunking my head in ice water helps.  
Day 5. Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee.  
Day 6. Hell yeah, exercise! Abs in no time!  
Day 7. Fuck abs. I need energy drinks.  
Day 8. So much vomit, my body hurts.  
Day 9...10....13? I don't know anymore.  
 
Today is Halloween. I haven't slept in over a week, maybe two. But at least I don't have to buy a costume. I look scary enough as it is. But I'm not going to the party this year. And I'm not handing out candy. I have a plan to get rid of these stupid nightmares once and for all. Then I will finally be able to sleep peacefully. I'm going out to get some supplies.  
 
After taking a much needed shower, I put on an old shirt Marco had given me and some jeans. I put a sign on the door so no little kids would come knocking. "Marco." I whispered, looking down at my phone. My lock screen was him. Of when he fell asleep on my sofa and I did that thing where you put as many goldfish on your cat as possible until they wake up. He's no cat, but it was fun. We ate them after he woke up. Man, I miss him. But, I'll get to see him soon.  
 
Pacing my living room, I thought of how to put my feelings into words. I finally thought it through enough, and typed it up. Making sure it was what I wanted to say before posting it. This was it, I was going to get my best friend back. I wheeled that office chair I've been meaning to throw out because the seat was messed up, over into the living room. Taking a few deep breaths. I then went and got out my supplies. Tying a secure knot in the rope, I started thinking about how happy I would be in a few minutes. Standing up on the chair, I wrapped and tied the rope around the base of the ceiling fan. I smiled as I looked down at my phone once again. "Oh Marco. I love you so much. I never got to tell you that before. I'm really so-" I got cut off by a rather loud knock at my door. "I don't have candy! Go home!" I shouted. But was suddenly greeted with that annoying asshole Jaegers' voice. "Jean! Open up! Open the damn door! Jean!" The banging got louder and louder, and the handle was being frantically jiggled. "Jean, don't do this!" Mikasa? Why was she here, I thought she hates me. "Please Jean open up!" Armin? Anni? "Jean!" Y'mir? Bertold? "Open the door!" Connie, Sasha? Crista? Reiner? What were they all doing here? "You're ruining everything! Go home!" I yelled. Clutching the rope tightly in my hands.  
"Jean stop! Open the door! You don't have to do this!"  
"Yes I do! It's the only way to get Marco back!"  
"Marco isn't coming back, Jean! We know you miss him! We miss him! But you don't have to do this! So open up!"  
Tears streamed down my burning cheeks as I sobbed. "I do... I need my friend... I'm sorry, but I can't."  
"Think for just a minute Jean, please!" Think of the life you have!"  
"Armin, stop. I know what you're trying to do but it's not going to work."  
"Shut up for like five minutes horse!" Anni yelled. Letting Armin continue.  
"You have all of us here for you. You are about to graduate at one of the top in the class. You have everything going for you. Wouldn't Marco want you to go on? Wouldn't he want to see you happy and alive, and successful? I know it's hard to loose someone we really care about. We all do. And we've all been through it. But we are suppose to honor and respect the dead. So please open the door."  
Sighing, I loosened my grip on the rope. "Okay... the key is under the plant." Wiping my eyes with both hands I took in another shaken breath. "I'm sorry... I just hurt so much. I wasn't thinking clearl-" There was a snap, oh fuck. It was the chair. I was about to fall, and my natural reaction was to put my arms out to catch myself. How stupid is that? The rope was still around my neck when I slipped. Choking and gasping, I thrashed and cried. The door flung open, and horrified screams filled the room. I was already fading by then. I couldn't see straight. My vision kept going in and out of focus. I could hardly make out the blurry figures of Eren and  Reiner rushing over. The rest were hugging each other, or backing up. I couldn't understand what they were trying to say to me. I think they were calling my name. Shaking me, maybe. I can't remember. Other than I was in a lot of pain, and I loosing consciousness. It hurt. It hurt so much.  
 
"Jean... Jean, wake up. Come on. Wake up." I heard the familiar voice whisper in my ear. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, that shook me gently. Opening my eyes slowly, I winced at the light. "M-Marco?" I said in a groggy voice. "Yeah, who else would it be?" The freckled angel kissed my lips softly as I smiled. "You'll never believe the dream I had." I said, running my hand through his soft hair. Then caressing his speckled cheek with my thumb softly. "Oh yeah? I saw you were having a pretty bad dream there, so I woke you." He said, laying his head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat as he often did. "Mhm. We were back in high school. And I thought that I lost you. It made me go insane. But that won't happen. Because I'm always going to be by your side. I promise. You've already made me the happiest man on Earth, so it's only fair."  Wrapping my arms around him, I sighed contently. And he smiled, looking up at me. "I know you will."  
 
Laying there for a while, I enjoyed the sleepy morning with my angel. Rubbing his back softly as he dozed in and out, resting on me. "I love you." I said, looking down at him. "I know. You tell me that every day, all the time." He said, laughing softly. "I love you too." He responded. Reaching down I took one of his hands in mine and brought it up to my lips, kissing it. "Your hands are so cold." I said, looking at the glittering ring on his finger I had saved up so long to get him. "My hands are always cold, you know that." He said. "I know, they're just. Cold." I repeated. "Oh really? How cold? Really cold? I wonder what would happen if I did this?!" He said, shoving his freezing hands up my shorts. "Woa, hey! Stop! No! Too cold!" I squirmed, chilled shocks going up my spine. "Never!" He said in a playful chime. "Oh, you've done it now!" I said, wrapping my arms around him and rolling us over so that I was on top of him. "Prepare to suffer!" I teased, pinning his arms above his head with one hand, sitting on his legs so he couldn't move. Leaning down I placed my lips on his sensitive stomach. "No! Don't you do it, Jean! No! Listen to me! Please!" He begged. Smirking I took a deep breath and blew on his stomach, making an immature fart noise. "No!" He shrieked, desperately trying to get away as he laughed. "Let me go!" "Never!" I mocked his tone from before. Continuing my merciless tickling until he was in tears as he laughed and whined. "I'm gunna pee! How old are you Jean Kirstein? Let me go this instant, you dork!"  
 
 
suplex: a self defense move where you throw someone over your shoulders onto their head.  
speculoos: a common cookie in the Netherlands