Over it?

It was always about you.  Always.  I made it that way.  I felt that you could only understand how much I loved you, if I completely sacrificed myself for you. I put myself on the cross. I bore your pain and hurt.  I lived to make you rise.  It’s all I ever wanted, to look into your eyes, and know you knew exactly what I felt.

Maybe I was wrong for allowing myself to become so transparent, that those
who didn’t even know me, could see right through me, and only see you. 
For so long, I allowed myself to become a satellite to your moon, merely
masking my existence in your smile.  God, all I ever wanted was to see
that smile.

With my hands clawing at the gravel before you, begging you, hoping you, knowing you, would one day completely understand.

I was wrong.  I was completely foolish in my thoughts of hoping.  At
night, I would pray, the same prayer every night : “Dear God, I know he
loves me, just help him see that he does, let him accept it.” Looking
back, it resembles a child hoping for that toy for Christmas, the toy
that’s price range is right out of their mother’s budget.  But I
prayed.  Consistently.  Everyday for years. Even when you were in bed
right beside me.  I would turn over, and clench my eyes so tight, to
prevent the tears from falling.  I knew that it was futile, but still I
had to try.  I needed to be able to say, “I tried everything”, that I
gave it my all.

I would kiss your head as you slept.  I don’t know if you knew I did that, but I did.  I kissed you because I felt you slipping away, and no matter what I did, nor what I said, your mind was made up and I couldn’t fight it.  I tried, God, did I try. Like I said, I needed to know I gave my everything. 

I told you I was over it, you can leave and I wont fight it.  I was half
telling the truth, half lying.  I wasn’t done loving you.  I was done
crying.  I was done fighting.  I was emotionally worn out.  I was done. 

I have always loved you.  Probably always will.  I have accepted that. 
It’s a fact of life that I can admit to.  I do admit to it.  Have I forgotten the tears? No, and I never will.  But it’s ok.  It’s ok because it’s the past.  It’s a second gone that I don’t live in. 

One day, you’ll get it.  You will just get it.  And I know you will.  I may
have not been your number one.  Right now, everyone is my number two.