nine mistakes I made in 3 weeks.

1. I let you back in.

2. I leaned on you when you were in need
Lemme repeat that
I leaned on you.
When you.
Were the one in need.

3. I became weak to your cravings, your want for something different
3. I allowed my insecurities to get the best of me
3. I allowed myself to be the object of your affection
3. I allowed myself to become everything I vowed to myself I would never be
3. I allowed myself to be needed only when you needed me
3. I became your sometimes, your kind of, I was your maybe
3. I became your late night phone call when you were lonely
There I was waiting.
You sadden me.

4. I let my dignity find its place in the passenger seat
Next to your desires  
In this car called temptation
It collided with my morals until they crashed and burned
And I turned to you to pick up my ashes
Pick up the pieces of me that were left
Leaving me in hope of finding happiness in places where I would find you, the same places where you obviously still could not find me
So why did I continuously search for you?

5. I let myself justify our actions by the connection that we shared  
My true intentions never meaning harm to her
But in fact believing I was what he needed
To be lost in the moment only to remember that this was not my
moment to be had
I did not expect to turn so blue as I watched him love his girlfriend so wrongly in front of me

6. I fought two inner demons
One screaming fuck her
The other screaming fuck me
Fuck you, for this moment
For this situation
For your unwavering uncertainty.
Your inclination to feel that void
Your search for something missing in her that you thought you could find in me
That I hoped you would find in me
I wanted to fill that void
You disgust me.
I disgust myself.

7.  I forgot my value. I Let my self worth be measured and bargained for a lower price.
I became so degraded and detached that I allowed this placeholder on the vacant side of my bed.
Knowing that he had a bed
One he so rightfully made, how dare I allow him this getaway when things got difficult
I gave him space to ruin the peace in my home

8. There I was Like coffee at 8 am after working a third shirt, his option when that same old hot tea didn't warm him up the same way anymore, I was his pick-me-up

9. I knew better, and I still made all the wrong choices

But this is the time that I step back and recognize my worth and stop giving discounts to those who don't deserve it
To remember that rule #1 is never to be #2
That I should never confuse my desires of lust for false hopes of love
And that there is a difference between respect and attention
To realize that I was not his home just a place he was passing through
To remember that no matter how much I'm hurting
That my pain would never measure up to hers


But you and I both know that
No one can escape the prison of unfaithfulness
These steel bars of regret have caged us in
The temptation I gave into reeks, it's smell is pungent, and the stinge of deception lingers onto your body
The bones of the skeletons in my closet are creaking much louder,  yours are begging to be freed
And God knows if the walls could speak we'd both be doomed.
This infatuation never hurt so much
Betrayal is what we gave her.
What you gave her.
See her heart was yours to protect
But your heart is now full of lies
This affair, it's dwelling in your silence.
You don't speak in hopes that I won't come up.
You don't want to have to face her hurt.
You wished you had saved yourself from this pain
I wish you had saved me
but truth is we cant always be saved
And sometimes we have to face what we are trying to save ourselves from...