I Can't Be Saved, But You Can

Yes u can

You have gone for a formal rhyming scheme, which I applaud but I felt that you could have worked on the metrical scheme as well. Do you read your poems out loud to yourself and just listen to their rhythm?  Take the penultimate stanza.

You’re so very strong
I know you’ll live on for me
Just please don’t forget
My soul is now at last free

A few minor adjustments give it a good natural rhythm:

You are so very strong
And you’ll live on for me
But please do not forget
My soul, at last, is free.

Now you can modify this metrical scheme to create effect. It does not have to be rigorously and slavishly followed;

You are so very strong
Live on for me
But please do not forget
My soul, at last, is free.

The elision of a foot in the second line, gives it more power, and, to my mind pathos.

Or, in the final line

You are so very strong
Live on for me
But please do not forget
At last, my soul is free.

The separation of the first phrase by a comma (the importance of punctuation) makes a pause, breaks up the pedestrian rhythm and puts a dramatic emphasis on the ‘at last’, followed by the sigh of relief in the following weaker cadences.

I hope that you do not take offence, but it is a good poem in its content, has the necessary structure but just needs the detailed care and polishing to make it flow.

But, at the end of the day (switches off cliché alert) all response to poetry is subjective and what do I know?

I see what you mean and I don't take offense, I actually agree. I know I need to do something to a lot of my poems to make it flow better and correct the rhyme scheme in them, so the comment is much appreciated, because I'll keep in mind what you said for my next write. Thank you

This is really good.. Nice write..

Dave

Love this :-)

Be careful of over editing - sometimes you can edit the heart out of a poem.

Thank you :) and I'll keep that in mind