Diary, I Think I'm Feeling

I didn't like how it felt
Crying because I got frustrated
I am afraid to be angry
I don't want to feel that feeling
So heavy weighing me down
Brings me so low I fall into the darkness
I can't control it when it has happened
It's been a while since I felt emotion
It would get so intense
Fire in my heart, smoldering
What if I lose control
I'm starting to feel a little something
I know what's going to happen
I'm going to be angry at everything and everyone
I'm going to hurt people
I'm going to feel like shit
I hate who I am when I can no longer be indifferent to negativity
I scream to be left alone
I don't understand what I'm thinking sometimes
I don't recognize the irrelevant comments in my head as my own thought
I don't know if my anxieties are irrational or sound
Am I paranoid
Sometimes I feel so alone
But I want to be alone, too
I assume it seems I'm doing so well
I try so hard to take it easy
I try to avoid emotion, I think the way in which I've seen a lot of people react to uncomfortable situations is a waste of energy
I think I've gone too far though
I lost balance I think
They taught me to let yourself feel, but to also let it pass, then to move on
Maybe I put it all on a shelf and somehow forgot to remember
This is probably the longest episode of alexithymia I ever recall experiencing
But now I think I'm just starting to feel a little something
I swear it's not on purpose
It must be some kind of subconscious rejection of my own being
I thought I was okay
Maybe I hate myself
I really don't know right now