deepundergroundpoetry.com
please comment on this poem
Im so dead
and you don't even know
im so dead
my body produces
a
blue afterglow
MY BODY ROTS
MY BODY SCREAMS
IF THE DEAD COULD DREAM
ID DREAM OF YOU AND ME
happily after
fills me with laughter
although this smile
is made of plaster
I feel my smile
slither off like a snake
because inside
I know
its fake
IM SO DEAD
I CAN FEEL YOU IN MY HEAD
Can you,
HEAR ME?!
or do
you FEAR ME?!
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS SONG
DO YOU FEEL LIKE
WE DO BELONG?
MONSTERS
UNDER MY BED
MONSTERS
INSIDE OF MY HEAD
I TRY TO TAKE ANOTHER SIP FROM
THE CUP
BUT I CANT DO IT
CAUSE I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK
and you don't even know
im so dead
my body produces
a
blue afterglow
MY BODY ROTS
MY BODY SCREAMS
IF THE DEAD COULD DREAM
ID DREAM OF YOU AND ME
happily after
fills me with laughter
although this smile
is made of plaster
I feel my smile
slither off like a snake
because inside
I know
its fake
IM SO DEAD
I CAN FEEL YOU IN MY HEAD
Can you,
HEAR ME?!
or do
you FEAR ME?!
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS SONG
DO YOU FEEL LIKE
WE DO BELONG?
MONSTERS
UNDER MY BED
MONSTERS
INSIDE OF MY HEAD
I TRY TO TAKE ANOTHER SIP FROM
THE CUP
BUT I CANT DO IT
CAUSE I JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK
Published 19th Sep 2014
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Sep 2014 4:41pm
I really really like the lines "Can you, HEAR ME?! or do you FEAR ME?!" That's totally awesome and fits very well into the poem./ I also like how the rhyme scheme isn't very rhythmic and sounds kind of chaotic because it adds to the frightening and dark tone of the poem. Very nice :)
3rd Oct 2014 4:00pm
