I never cry

I never cry in front of my family any more
because being accused of craving attention
made me devastatingly aware
of how misinterpreted
self destruction can be
they don't believe i am sad
because all this time i have done
such an beautiful job
at pretending to be happy

I never cry in front of my friends any more
because i don't want then to be afraid
of loosing me
I don't want them to be cautious
or for our relationship to change
because my friends
are the only people i love

I never cry in front of myself any more
because i know
that if i see myself so weak
the truth will be exposed
and all the lies
all the "i am okay"s
will have been in vain
the veil will be stripped away
and
that in a moment of flustered panic i might submerge in the river
and inhale deeply