deepundergroundpoetry.com

Untitled

My mouth is stapled shut
my hands glued into fists
I'm screaming out to you
but you've taped your ears shut...
there's a woman down the street
who's sewing her lips together
and another who's taking a knife to her nostrils...
Why can't we live without our senses,
and follow our hearts...
instead of
feeling the sorrow
and hearing those words...
saying them back
or smelling the blood-
tasting that stinging taste of bitter defeat...

Is it just so hard to dull your senses,
and follow your heart with no excuses?

Written by AdrenalineFrequenc

(AdrenalineFrequency)

Published 10th Apr 2011

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

likes 2 reading list entries 0

comments 3 reads 906

Commenting Preference:

The author encourages honest critique.

mjs211 (MikeTheEngineer)

10th Apr 2011 5:48am

I like where this one is going, but I think you've got more ideas than you know what to do with here. The first part says "why can't we live with our senses" which I took to mean let our senses lead us, but then you say "instead of" hearing, speaking, smelling, tasting etc. Then you say we should "dull" our senses. There's some knotting of the writing here which should be untangled and laid out. Also, "follow our heart" is used twice in 8 lines and two lines in the first four end in "shut," which are both a bit repetitive. (Now that I'm done pulling it apart: I do think this one has potential to be good! I particularly like the vivid imagery of the first half!)