deepundergroundpoetry.com
Just another excuse
Its just another excuse.
You blame the other man.
Do try to do what you can,
but I can't change my mind.
Your body they will never find.
Come closer my excused dear.
Come just close and near.
Do walk forwards to my knife,
I will steal your sweet life,
hiding will not help you in any way.
Give me the phone my sweet,
I will feed the dogs your meat!
As you walk along the final line
Drop the phone, let your life be mine
The cops won't help you in any way, it's time
Why did you do it my love,
your soul did fly up like dove.
You'll be in heaven soon enough,
you didn't need to die. You became a weed
you slept with another man because of your need
Its just another excuse,
I made sure I tied the noose.
You blame the other man.
Do try to do what you can,
but I can't change my mind.
Your body they will never find.
Come closer my excused dear.
Come just close and near.
Do walk forwards to my knife,
I will steal your sweet life,
hiding will not help you in any way.
Give me the phone my sweet,
I will feed the dogs your meat!
As you walk along the final line
Drop the phone, let your life be mine
The cops won't help you in any way, it's time
Why did you do it my love,
your soul did fly up like dove.
You'll be in heaven soon enough,
you didn't need to die. You became a weed
you slept with another man because of your need
Its just another excuse,
I made sure I tied the noose.
Published 19th Aug 2014
| Edited 20th Aug 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Aug 2014 5:15pm
Nice concept but since you asked for an honest critique, I'll give you my two cents. Your thoughts are everywhere, I guess just because you wanted the words to rhyme. Don't get me wrong, this is an interesting topic and could be better. Re-arranging the lines or adding some more lines might help.
"Why did you did you it my love," [do you mean to say, Why did you do it my love,]
"Its just another excuses,
I made sure to tie the noose." [conflicting tenses as in "made" (past) and "to tie" (future)]
Wrong use of "Its" supposed to be It's for It is
but since it was in the past tense it should be like this:
It was just another excuse [not excuses)
I made sure I tied the noose.
Suggest that you make some edits and you'll be OK...write on Valley!
@EngrVV
"Why did you did you it my love," [do you mean to say, Why did you do it my love,]
"Its just another excuses,
I made sure to tie the noose." [conflicting tenses as in "made" (past) and "to tie" (future)]
Wrong use of "Its" supposed to be It's for It is
but since it was in the past tense it should be like this:
It was just another excuse [not excuses)
I made sure I tied the noose.
Suggest that you make some edits and you'll be OK...write on Valley!
@EngrVV
20th Aug 2014 2:38pm
20th Aug 2014 3:48pm
You're welcome Valley...that's one of the purposes here. Sharing and learning from one another; I'm glad you take constructive criticism favorably unlike some people who doesn't want to grow up and improve their crafts!
@EngrVV
@EngrVV
19th Aug 2014 7:19pm
poetry isn't define by definition ,only opinions . You write how you feel , despite the errors in your words. People these days are too perfect always wanting to master something instead of just accepting it. I see the beauty in all poems.
