I'm an Addict

I'm not always an alcoholic.
I dont usually pop pills.
I'm not into snorting.
I can live without those thrills.

I might need control ,
But that's not such a bad habit.
I might have a cig in my mouth,
But I can live without it.

What I really need,
Is to just feel.
Anything,  but pain.
Anything, just something real.

The pain has it's days.
Bad, worse and still climbing.
It takes over your life,
Always spellbinding.

Each wave that hits.
Is fiery and decieving,
Just when you think it's over.
It leaves me folded and screaming.

It doesnt get easier,
With time it doesn't fray,
But I'm starting to need it.
It's what keeps me human, at least that's what I like to say.

I've tried and tried.
It won't go away.
Even if it does,
I'm so used to it, I'd probably ask it to stay.

I've forgotten what it feels like.
To not feel pain.
To not be crying, weeping.
To just be plain.

If it ever went away,
I'd be lost and probably wouldn't sustain.
I can't help it anymore.
I'm an addict. I'm addicted to pain.


The Pacifist