August 12th 2014

Some people think poets are these really edgy, daddy hating, suicidal people that are either women or pussy men. Are we? Not all of us. Was I edgy at one point? Kinda, but now I'm experimental and angry. Everyone is angry at something. I'm mad at people, hence why I believe the world should be covered in a radioactive blanket. Maybe you're mad at capitalism or liberals or conservatives or communism or men or women or culture. Am I a pussy? Yes, you are what you eat. However, also that makes me a tofu. My point is, a poet can be anyone. All they have to do is put their thoughts, feeling, and/or ideas into words. Or experiment with words. A poet can be a homeless man, a overworked father, a solider, an edgy teen, a construction worker, a dentist, ect. That's why I love poetry. I love seeing different backgrounds and how those backgrounds affect one's words. Poetry is beautiful in it's own right, but the poets themselves are more so.

Cerberus is doing fine. I think he's gained either pride or humility. He can't do his business if I'm looking. He'll just stare at me. It's weird. I never seen an animal that actually cares about that. It's not like I'm purposely watching him. My mind goes blank when I'm waking him so I happen to keep my gaze on him. I think about many things on our walks. A lot of it is bullshit. I love my puppy. He's gotten a bit bigger. By a bit, I mean more than a bit. I hardly noticed, until he jumped on my bed yesterday. He took up more of it than usual.

Let's see, I woke up at 13 after pulling three all nighters in a row, yesterday. It was an 18 hour sleep. As you can imagine, it was very painful waking up. My head was throbbing, my mouth and throat were drier than a desert and my bladder was going to burst. Also, My legs and eyes had a hard time waking up so I walked into many things while on my way to the bathroom. Basically, I was dead for about three hours. I hate head aches. They're always on my right side and that's where my sensitive ear is. So basically, both sound and noise hurt a lot. Funny, I didn't drink any alcohol. I promised to myself and my brother that I would never try alcohol. Growing up, we both witnessed too many deaths caused by alcohol. Hell, I almost lost my mother when she was hit by a drunk driver. I went back to sleep at 2 or 3 today. My headaches last for a long time, even with meds. They also have lingering effects, like how my right ear will be more sensitive than usual. Fucking hate headaches. Maybe I'm starting to die from a brain tumor or something. I hope not, nor do I wish anyone else will. That would be a bad way to go.

I want to die with a knife or gun in my hand. I want to be remembered. I don't want to another numbered victim of cancer. In the hopefully near future, when cancer has an affordable cure, we'll look back and say, "If only they held on a little longer". Disease is a bad way to go. Everyone will remember a serial killer's death, but why not victim #400,000 of the flu or something. I don't think killers should be remembered, but instead they're victims should be. We shouldn't see the killer's name in a news paper, but rather than the victims'. They don't deserve the attention! The victims and their families do. Now, you're probably asking, "Well, why would you be a killer to be remembered?", it's one of the most obtainable ways to be remembered by the masses. Ask anyone if they heard of Sandy Hook, Jeffery Dahmer, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hilter, Shoko Ashara, Ted Kaczynki (the unabomber) or Charles Manson. I bet they'll know at least one of them, even if you leave out Hitler and Stalin. Do I like that they are known? No, I think it's disgusting. Should we still learn about what happened? Hell yeah! Just leave out the bloody names! Names aren't important to the events. And don't give them nicknames either, just name the events. For an example; instead of mentioning Manson, mention the Binca-Tate murders or something. Now you're probably thinking, "You're still a hypocrite", I never said I wasn't one. In all seriousness, it's very human to want to be remembered. I want to be remembered by a good thing. Like, as an amazing therapist or a consular or an author or a child psychologist or something positive. If it comes down to it, like if I'm diagnosed with a fatal illness, I may lose my morals and bomb the hell out of the government. Okay, maybe not. But, I would definitely think about it. Hell, I am now! At the end of the day, I am human. I want food, water, sleep (sometimes), sex, importance, stability, and love. And I want importance more than anything, I think we all do. Maybe that's why some flock to religion, although I don't see how being a vessel of God is meaningful if he has about ten shy of a shit ton of you. That's just me. I try to be a twelfth of a dime, rather than a dime a dozen. I think I succeed in doing that, most of the time.

I love food. I love the way it smells, tastes, looks, feels, sounds. Maybe I am dog in a human's body (I took a bull shit personality test that says I am most like a dog, a fox and a wolf. personally I think I'm more like a cat; carefree and paranoid at the same time).

When I was trying to help overcome my dyslexia through some tutors, I thought that English words cannot have more than two constants or vowels together. That what they told me. Now I always fuck up the words twelfth and beautiful.`And the name Schmidt. I am also very confused by the letter "Y". "Y" and I don't work well with one another. Also, is twelfth one or two syllables. I hate syllables. I can never figure out how many are in one word. I was taught to clap, doesn't work because I speak fast and always will. I was taught that you go by vowels, but then I'm never sure. Can fth of twelfth count because it makes a all new sound that's not consistent with twel. Japanese kinda the same. One of their many words for sorry, or something similar to the meaning of sorry, sounds like, to me, comen instead of gomen. I'm probably the only one. You have to use an accent to get what I'm saying, or listen to a conversation. I love language and the idea of language but we don't get along at all. Nope. I'm destined to be a telepathic. I so want telepathy. I wouldn't have to express my exact images in my head into words, I could just insert them into peoples' minds. That would be so much easier for me. Apple, stop making phones and get to work on telepathy! Someone, please do it! I'll invest every penny I got, once you have a working beta or something.

Robin Williams died yesterday. Oh captain my captain. That's all I'll say about the matter, because everyone else said what I would've said.