To my amnesiac self.

     I want to deceive fate. I want you to forget the pain caused by fate. Everything is meant to happen. So if I achieve success. I will change fate. In turn ill change the world. You have potential that I waste everyday. I deserve not a single drop of it. You will have my potential.  You will have every talent I have yet you will lose all my skills. Its up to you to get more skills. After all, you do have my toolbox. Although it is a bit rusty. Not a tool box made of hammer and nail. A toolbox of the infinite.  Another piece of my potential. My very pain has defeated me. Not because I admit defeat. I'm just tired of fighting. I went to church. I believed. I had Faith.  All I want is the pain to fade. It always comes back. I shouldn't have to keep asking. Doesn't God want his children to be happy? Isn't that his will? His will, his way?  While were at church, people experience horrors. Were safe and told how to be happy while others hasn't even tasted happiness. God is right there next to them. He is everywhere...so where is his church? People constantly tithing to be blessed while the only mother fucker who is blessed is he who is in the pulpit.  A tangent.  Something I'm certain that you will lose my racing mind. Maybe that's the best thing I have. A strength is a weakness. I know my greatest weakness is my greatest strength.  By what price? An equally greater pain? I've survived so much. I know I have. What if I eliminate that pain and I lose The very strenth I have? I'm selfish to the point were I want to sacrifice myself for myself. When I was 17 I told my attorney that your past is like a knife stuck in your side, the very fact that you survived is a miracle...but if you pull it out you die. The knife is my strenth and weakness. The knife is my pain. So either way I am pain. So pain is the strength and weakness. I am the very demon I've  been battling since my childhood. My own worse enemy.
I will lose myself if I create you. In a way it is suicide. Not of my heart nor mind but spirit.  My spirit will give birth to you. You will have my kindness and my intellect to unlock the very potential I waste. With it you will attain a clean slate to conquer your world. I am "Mala in se"
You will simply be.