deepundergroundpoetry.com
Slavery Within
Bound by shackles yet again.
Once more I've fallen deep to sin.
These blackened chains cannot be loosed.
One choice remains, the swaying noose.
Alas! There rings the fateful knell!
The only path leads straight to hell.
Bound neath the tempting lion's paw
The air grows cold, and darkness fall.
Dreams of tattered wrist fresh slit
This ebony soul, no longer lit.
Is there any respite from writhing here?
Or am I forced to live by fear?
Regret draws nigh, his fangs deep cut.
My hearts own door hath been forced shut.
Once more I've fallen deep to sin.
These blackened chains cannot be loosed.
One choice remains, the swaying noose.
Alas! There rings the fateful knell!
The only path leads straight to hell.
Bound neath the tempting lion's paw
The air grows cold, and darkness fall.
Dreams of tattered wrist fresh slit
This ebony soul, no longer lit.
Is there any respite from writhing here?
Or am I forced to live by fear?
Regret draws nigh, his fangs deep cut.
My hearts own door hath been forced shut.
Published 4th May 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 9
reads 683
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th May 2014 5:18am
4th May 2014 1:18pm
4th May 2014 5:52pm
4th May 2014 6:37pm
7th May 2014 4:21am
I like the fancy words. You don't see those everyday. They make your piece more unique, however they can be a turn off if used to much.
However, I feel this poem is limited by your rhyme scheme. I haven't seen anything else from you, so I can't really tell if it is a problem. If you still want to rhyme, internal rhyme adds flow and flexibility. The whole AA, BB rhyme scheme ain't really my thing. You can pull it off. But if you are going to slam it, then I would suggest you don't stress on the last word of each line.
Overall, pretty good piece.
However, I feel this poem is limited by your rhyme scheme. I haven't seen anything else from you, so I can't really tell if it is a problem. If you still want to rhyme, internal rhyme adds flow and flexibility. The whole AA, BB rhyme scheme ain't really my thing. You can pull it off. But if you are going to slam it, then I would suggest you don't stress on the last word of each line.
Overall, pretty good piece.
7th May 2014 11:47pm
This was really great and much needed criticism! I just started writing recently. Most if not all of what I've written has been in the aa bb scheme(written 10-15 poems so far, not really posted any others online), and have definitely noticed the rhyme scheme holding me back. I'm experimenting with a couple of different rhyme schemes and styles, but it has been a bit of a struggle. Thanks for the input, and I will definitely work toward finding a less constricting way of writing in the future.
7th May 2014 7:23pm
Welcome to DUP...enjoyed this piece and the remembrance and of past and present it brings
7th May 2014 11:49pm
17th May 2014 2:44am
