Thoughts 23

It's been a while
Can't say I missed this
So much has happened since the last time I posted here
Things seemed to be coming together
Things seemed alright
Then I had to have my mom rushed to the ER
Then I had to see her broken
Crying out with no one who would help her
I sat defenseless
Her hopelessness stained me

She was having panic attacks
One day they got really bad
She broke down
Hyperventilated
Screamed
Cried

"911. What's your emergency?"

We sat for 5 hours in the waiting room
I sat as she wept next to me
I sat paralyzed not knowing how I could help
I think I might have gone through a pack of cigarettes that night
They called her in
I waited another 2 hours
Waited for my father to come back out so we could leave
Couldn't sit still
Didn't want to move
That night I drank
That night I drank a lot

"Please stay on the line."



Been looking for someone to fill a hole
A hole left by someone else
Or something else
Can't remember

I still spend my nights alone
During the day I get to see my best friend and my sister make out
I get to hear them say "I love you"
Lovely
Yeah I'm jealous
And I hate that
I'm disgusted in myself for feeling that way
Nothing new there
During the night I get to remember how long since I had that
Since I felt that
The look in a woman's eyes
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
A soft voice to calm me


No more Viibryd
No insurance
My doc has me on prozac
I don't think it's working
My mind is hazy
I'm irritable
I'm sad
I'm angry
I'm happy

I turned 21 last year
I've taken a liking to drinking
I like feeling numb
I like how happy I am when I'm drunk
That's not good

Damn
How time flies
It's good to be back



I guess