Untitled

In a few words:
Saddness
Emptiness
Numb
Wanting to sleep
To not go through the day
Facing my thoughts
Of indecisiveness
Of doubt
Of guilt and hurt
Knowing I'm going to see the same smile
That made my heart flutter
That made me smile
Yet  I'm not sure now what that smile will do to me
I close my eyes
Thinking of those smiles
How they brightened his eyes
Made my heart flutter
Made me want to take him in my arms
To kiss those soft lips creating that beautiful smile

I look into the forever dark night sky
Raising my eyes filled with tears
Tinged red from crying so long
A tear for every moment we had together
For every smile
For each moment of laughter
For every warm hug
every tender kiss
Every sweet word
Every soft heartfelt assurance
Why do I feel this way
To have the one I love separated
Into two different people
Two people young men in the making
Who both hold a part of my heart in their hands
Who can crush it and end me at any moment
What have they done to me
Everything is spinning
There is nothing for me to hold onto to make it stop
Holding onto them both
As they tear me apart

Letting go of one I love
That I care about
It's hard
It'll hurt
For he takes a big part of my heart with him
I wish I could take him in my arms
To protect him from the world
To be his shield in this battle of life
To be by his side in every moment he needs me
To be his as well as for another

Why why does Thou that hath given me breath
Haunt me with these feelings
Why does Thou that hath given me life
Make me feel as if forsaken
To journey without a light in this darkness of confusion
My heart has been broken so many times before
Words have cut deep onto my soul
At times to points where it cut into my mortal body
These battle scars hidden until gone from sight
But not from my soul
One who knows me
Who keeps my darkest thoughts
The forbidden maze of my mind that I kept from everyone from every man that has tried to look within from my eyes
He knows part
Then the other
Who knows what my mortal body likes
And wants to know my mind
So to understand my heart
Wanting to show and give me the love I couldn't give myself
Torn between the two
I don't think I can take anymore