deepundergroundpoetry.com
Unforgivable Event
Your mouth against mine,
Your hands holding me down,
Nothing will change that night,
Other than my sanity,
My pride,
My virginity that you took,
Without my permission.
Destroying me emotionally,
Making me unwanted by anyone.
I will never be the same,
After that night so long ago.
Your hands holding me down,
Nothing will change that night,
Other than my sanity,
My pride,
My virginity that you took,
Without my permission.
Destroying me emotionally,
Making me unwanted by anyone.
I will never be the same,
After that night so long ago.
Published 21st Mar 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Mar 2014 2:27pm
First of all needless,
punctuation at the end of,
every line,
will distract,
the reader.
Second, I sincerely hope you haven't actually been the victim of abuse like this. I may sound like an asshole otherwise.
But you have a very flimsy grasp on the emotional impact it has on you as a person. Poetry is all about using words to convey emotion, the words chosen are key. You can write "your mouth against mine
your hands holding me down"
but that's just telling us a story, it's boring. there's no emotion in it.
"My virginity that you took" line made me cringe
I really don't know what to say apart from that, it's just terribly raw and seems to be written on the spot without any revision or second thought.
And I've read your other works, Life is a war was quite good and you used a fresh metaphor, but this is just.. It reads like a 13 year olds XD
punctuation at the end of,
every line,
will distract,
the reader.
Second, I sincerely hope you haven't actually been the victim of abuse like this. I may sound like an asshole otherwise.
But you have a very flimsy grasp on the emotional impact it has on you as a person. Poetry is all about using words to convey emotion, the words chosen are key. You can write "your mouth against mine
your hands holding me down"
but that's just telling us a story, it's boring. there's no emotion in it.
"My virginity that you took" line made me cringe
I really don't know what to say apart from that, it's just terribly raw and seems to be written on the spot without any revision or second thought.
And I've read your other works, Life is a war was quite good and you used a fresh metaphor, but this is just.. It reads like a 13 year olds XD
24th Mar 2014 1:23pm
Yah I did write it on the spot for a contest where you go based on the topic of the person to post before you. I have been a victim of this abuse...but dont worry...I have come to terms with it.
Thanks for the compliment about life is a war :)
Thanks for the compliment about life is a war :)
