deepundergroundpoetry.com
story ii
his chest burst open
ribs broken open
like a mouth shattering through its wiring shut
but guts did not fall from him
only a burst of light
like the hiroshima explosion
the doctors covered their eyes
but were already blinded
and then everyone disappeared
no evidence was left behind
that any of them existed at all
ribs broken open
like a mouth shattering through its wiring shut
but guts did not fall from him
only a burst of light
like the hiroshima explosion
the doctors covered their eyes
but were already blinded
and then everyone disappeared
no evidence was left behind
that any of them existed at all
Published 5th Mar 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
and i've never even read one. i don't know how you brought graphic drawn images to my head, because that's just not like my imagination, but it worked like magic. very cool, this one. liked how the ending floated away... [:
5th Mar 2011 10:17pm
manga? i've never read one either... i get a lot of idea's just talking with people... i'll come up with a line or two in response and say to myself i'm saving that it would make a great poem :) this more prose than poetry though ... glad you dig it :D idk if i like the end yet have to let it sit for a couple days and come back to it i can't judge a poem objectively unless i step away from it for a bit.. thanks for the encouraging words... it is magic... *poof* i'm gone...........
Anonymous
6th Mar 2011 8:18pm
I don't know why, but I really fucking love this poem. It's much too vague to be narrative prose, but the subtle meanings and clarity of vision are beyond brilliant. A dark, strange and haunting piece that will stay with me for a long long time. I have just one nit: "like a mouth shattering through its wiring shut." This line doesn't make sense. Would it be more cohesive if you removed the word "shut"?
6th Mar 2011 8:22pm
yeah i was thinking about messing with that part more you people usually just see the second drafts while i go on editing the main file until perfected :D glad you dig it though
21st Mar 2011 6:39am
Had to click the "read more" button when glimpsing past this and it did not disappoint. Enough imagery to paint the scene, and enough space to leave the bigger contextual details to the imagination. Good read!
21st Mar 2011 9:32am
glad you liked the poem... its a true story and i'd tell people in hospice (where i volunteer) that story and they all looked at me like wtf but i love telling it it brings back beautiful memories (cheers)
