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Diary entry: Depression here we go again!

March 2, 2011

I am so alone. I feel so alone all the time. I wait for hours to see him and then he leaves as soon as he gets here. I am so sad. I can't stop crying. I hurt so much. It's hard for me to breathe. It hurts to be alive. I try to stop feeling this way but it just feels fake. I feel fake. Who am I anymore? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I'm driving him away. 

I want to jump out of the window. I want to hurt myself. I want to feel pain. I want to take a whole bunch of pills to feel good. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I don't. I pull at my hair to see if any comes out. I want release from this. I don't know. What will help? I'm afraid of myself and who I will become. I want to cut all my hair off. I want to scratch my skin raw. But I don't. I can't stand myself.

I hate looking into the mirror. I'm pathetic. Fucking pathetic. I hate being a burden. I hate pretending that these moments, this depression, will just go away. Just clear up, like it's some type of rash. I wish I had reasons to feel this way. I don't. So why the fuck am I like this! I hate it! Is this what I'll always be? Am I to end up like my sister, my mother? I've always thought I'm better than them but now I know what they feel. It's a sickness. I need help. No one understands what it's like. I am a monster. Disgusting waste of a human being.

Crying used to make the pain go away. My sadness. Now it annoys me. Makes me angry. Makes me want to rip my eyeballs out so I can't feel the tears running down my face anymore. Will this ever end? 
Written by amandaraeho
Published
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