Why I am Still Alive

In my darkest moments,
In my darkest hours,
In my darkest days,
And in my darkest nights
I felt all alone like nobody cared.

The monsters I feared
that were in my closet,
the dark hallways,
and down the dark stairs
disappeared from the dark.

They moved themselves,
Transformed themselves,
And settled somewhere much deeper.

I still feared them.
Still thought they were there.
It's too good to be true
for them to be gone.
I was right.
The monsters now lived inside me.

I was in pain.
I was in misery.
I wanted it all to go away.
I tried to get rid of the pain,
but all I could do was numb it.

I painted on a fake smile.
Wanted no one to see
what I was hiding.
No one would ever understand.

I fought a battle
that would go on for years.
I would cut myself
to know I'm still alive.
I wanted to kill myself,
but I feared death.
Just wanted the pain to stop,
the misery to stop,
and for the monsters to die.

How am I still here?
How did I survive?
Why am I still alive?
These questions
have been running through my mind.

My family knew I was destroying myself.
They tried and tried again to help me.
I was put into therapy,
put on medication.
I was in and out of hospitals,
and constantly switched schools.

I wanted to get well.
I knew i had a problem,
knew I needed help.

Why I am still alive
is because of my family,
The idea of getting better,
all the therapists
that helped unravel my monster,
and the bands I look up to
that helped me get through the day.
That's why I'm still alive.
Because of them
and the choice to get better.