It's Just a Hobby, Really

Please, continue.
I have all day.
Tell me how I'm not driven to be as advanced as some kids
I lack ambition. Or something.
Those two or three hours I spend every day cleaning a barn
-mind you, I'm the only one in my family capable of any barn chores-
must just be for fun.
There couldn't be any ambition, really.
And the way I ride in the dark and rain so that a horse can get in just one more good training ride in a week,
so that they may strengthen just that much faster,
that must just be on a whim.
It's not like I have to do any reading or anything.
It's not like the only thing I've gotten for Christmas for the past three fucking years are books on the health and training of horses.
It's not like I'm committed or anything.
Obviously it's just a hobby. Really.
Living in a barn for half the summer?
Riding five times a day?
Back, knee, ankles in pain?
And then cleaning and caring for the animals before yourself?
There's no sacrifice there. It's not like I'm advanced.
Not like I'm trying to become advanced.
I only ride ten times a week, at least.
I just wish I had more drive.
Yes, I learn Swedish on the side.
Yes, I secretly want to make money with art and poetry too.
Or at least make art and poetry.
Yes, I have a love for math.
But the thing I love beyond a shadow of a doubt, through torturous pain, is riding.
That's why my summer will be spent away from everyone I know, in a foreign country where I do my own laundry and cook all my own meals while riding every day at age 15.
No commitment there.
It's just a little international competition. Really.
And that award I got the other year for all those events?
It's not like I worked for it or anything.
It's just a hobby, really.
When I wasn't able to ride for four months I felt like I was decaying.
Once I could walk again I was no happier.
It was when I could ride that I finally felt relief.
Love for the outdoors? That's a side effect of riding.
When high school tells us they're going to help us find our passion, I know there is no room for more passion in my life.
I would love to try some stuff, but I love riding more. No contest.
Boyfriend or horses? horses. Horses last for life, boyfriend is not nearly as reliable. Boyfriend=person
person=unreliable. Do the math.
Really, though, riding is nothing. Nothing more than my tears every time I have to move a bale of hay alone through rain or push a wheelbarrow through mud and, in tears and shaking from back pain (scoliosis), think
This is worth it.