deepundergroundpoetry.com
Silly boys, I don't know why I try(revised)
He had too much grief
to be compatible
although our 'love'
was theoretical
so long as emotions
never got involved
lust and eagerness
meant problems solved
I tried to feed Him sunshine
and constant admiration
He treated me to music sex
and wonderful inspiration
but in the end His puppy eyes
remained far too dismayed
past the point of caring
if I left or if I stayed
time has healed the gouges
that you've left deep in my heart
I wish I'd seen that you were too sad
to be happy
from the start
to be compatible
although our 'love'
was theoretical
so long as emotions
never got involved
lust and eagerness
meant problems solved
I tried to feed Him sunshine
and constant admiration
He treated me to music sex
and wonderful inspiration
but in the end His puppy eyes
remained far too dismayed
past the point of caring
if I left or if I stayed
time has healed the gouges
that you've left deep in my heart
I wish I'd seen that you were too sad
to be happy
from the start
Published 1st Mar 2011
| Edited 2nd Mar 2011
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1st Mar 2011 10:18am
"a you without me" - you're talking to the reader, so it might be better as "he without me" or "there exists no he and me"
skip next two because they're fine, (unless you wanted to say "nothing there" instead of "nothing left") but...
"if you look hard enough
I'm sure you will see
that separate
is where we find happy"
now, i was great with the rest up to this point where it felt like you were desperate to find an ending. it doesn't make sense with the rest, you see.
we don't need to look very hard to realize that the relationship wasn't working out, so...it's something we don't need to "try" to observe. just my opinion of course. but i wouldn't have bothered to critique if i didn't enjoy the concept. keep it up. [:
skip next two because they're fine, (unless you wanted to say "nothing there" instead of "nothing left") but...
"if you look hard enough
I'm sure you will see
that separate
is where we find happy"
now, i was great with the rest up to this point where it felt like you were desperate to find an ending. it doesn't make sense with the rest, you see.
we don't need to look very hard to realize that the relationship wasn't working out, so...it's something we don't need to "try" to observe. just my opinion of course. but i wouldn't have bothered to critique if i didn't enjoy the concept. keep it up. [:
1st Mar 2011 3:50pm
Thanks for the input :) and you are defiantly right. Most of this just flowed but after battling with finding an ending for about twenty minutes I just slapped this one on so I could post. Will defiantly be doing some revisions
1st Mar 2011 11:18pm
