Drowning If Only

I find myself searching for a reason to die
Drowning in depression but someone keeps bringing me air
Give me a chance to let go and be free
Let me sink deeper into the darkness of me

Shaking, and yet I'm not gone
Effortlessly, dreadfully continuing on
I can't explain why happiness hurts
Every smile needs a reason to convert

Why can't I breathe when I'm contented
Nothing good inside of me is intended
I long for old facial pretense
Because at least back then it all made sense

I miss my damaged impaired heart
From this flesh I will to depart
Why for this I can't explain
There is no one with which I can place blame

I've been found but never felt more lost
I've tried relaxing with cautious exhaust
But nothing works or ever will  
There is nothing left for life to instill

I'll remain and make no more attempts
Perhaps my emotions will keep at exempt
But no, I carry no hope
I'll skip around with my hanging rope